RICKY WILLIAMS: Oh, hey there, Chadwick, what can I do you for, brotherman?
CH: Motherfucker, I know you hacked my e-mail account! I caught you redhanded!
RW: Why do they call it that? Redhanded. I mean, it sort of makes sense if it was like you killed a guy, but since you're talking about hacking, it's really just--
CH: Ricky!
RW: (Giggles)
CH: Oh Jesus, are you high right now?
RW: (Chuckles) What? I didn't hear you, I was having a sweet dream. Like sweet dreams.
CH: Ricky, I know about the RoboChad! I know everything! You sicced the thing on us, now how do we stop it?
ROBOCHAD: You don't know everything, Chad. Far from it. Now what are we going to do about this sticky little situation here?
CH: Ricky!
RC: Errick Williams Junior hacked your blog, this much is true, Chad Henne. But he had nothing to do with my inception. I am something greater. I am beyond.
RW: Whoa.
CH: What the fuck are you, you ass eating chodebot?
RC: I am you, Chad Henne. I am a better you. I am a part of your mind, and I am born of your soul. I am here to lead the Miami Dolphins to a Superbowl, to cook delicious Chad Henne's Steak and Potatoes, to fuck your hot Chad Henne fiancee, sore tonsils and all. And I am here to do it all without your doubts, your insecurities, your emotional barrier of profanity and homophobia.
CH: No. No, this can't be happening. You're nothing.
RC: I am everything, as long as the world wants me. And they do, Chad Henne. Your public needs a better you. Your public needs a me. You are obsolete.
CH: (Looks to ground, tears stinging his eyes like bees. With stingers.)
RW: I-- I don't think you're obeseawhatchit, Chadwick. I don't want a better Chad.
CH: (Looks up, the old fire back in his eyes like a building. That is on fire.)
RC: What are you doing Errick? Why would you want him when you know you could have me?
RW: Because he's real! He's a man, not just some pathetic delusional fantasy! Now Chad, you have to stop him now!
CH: ALL RIGHT ROBOFUCKER, LET'S GO! RIDDLE ME THIS, BITCHTITS: IS THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION "NO"?
RC: Yes. I mean, no. Yes. Yes. No. Yesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoyesno 0000001000000110000011100001111 ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!11!!1!!1!
(A long pause. Chad wipes the sweat of exertion, as well as some robo-detritus, from his stern brow. He looks off into the Miami sunset meaningfully.)
RW: I'm sorry I got jealous about the blog, man.
CH: It's OK, Ricky. You really had nothing to do with that RoboChad?
RW: I didn't, I swear to you Chad. All I know is there's a storm coming in. And when it gets here, we better be ready.
(Terminator music)
BUM BUM, BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM, BUM BUM BUM!
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