I have become concerned with your recent behavior.
As you know, Chadly, I am a man of faith. Faith comes before all other things for me-- faith in my fellow man, in God the Father Almighty, in the directing skills of Uwe Boll. I am a believer, Chadwick.
But not in you. Not anymore.
What's all this about my being "not an NFL quarterback"? I am going to be drafted this year, and then I will be an NFL quarterback. Empirically. Or are you being less literal than that? Perhaps. Are you saying my level of talent is insufficient and I am constantly overrated by national sports media? I should hope not, for indeed, only those who are free from sin themselves should be casting stones.
Did you know my mother almost got an abortion when she was pregnant with me? But she didn't. And I'm great. That's destiny. You would know about that if you had watched my Superbowl advertisement, Chadstein. Actually, I'm sure you did watch it. You certainly weren't too busy playing in the Superbowl to see it.
I was once your biggest fan. But that has sunken behind clouds of disappointment. If you continue to mess with me, I will pray harder than I have ever prayed before. And before you know it, Machine Gun Jesus will be coming for you.
Go in peace to love and serve your Lord and mine. Machine Gun Jesus Christ.
Sincerely,
Tim Tebow
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