Wednesday -- Chad Henne Presents Ricky's Corner

Go the church, but the preacher he just preach at me
Go to the club, but the women oh they know me
Want a relationship, I wanna have a family
I'm schizophrenic paranoid, tell me what is wrong with me

Desperate! I'm desperate why won't you hold me!
Desperate! I'm desperate for the--

Oh, hey y'all, what are you doing here? Ricky Williams speaking.



Is it time for another Ricky's Corner already? I swear to God I like just did the last one and then took a nap. Well whatever, bra. I got a good one for y'all today. Something's really been bugging me lately.

An Issue That's Bugging Ricky Williams: Semicolons



(Giggles) So seriously, what's the big idea with semicolons and everything? Because I read one in a book the other day, which was Pride and Prejudice, if you're curious, and I said to myself, I said, "Self, what's the big idea with semicolons and everything?" Because like, so if I were writing, I would probably just use a period, or maybe comma, and I mean, if I were feeling really crazy or hungry or whatever, like a colon. I don't get it. What is a semicolon? Is it a period or a comma? Actually man, whoa, I bet it's not really either, because it's called a semicolon, which is also a word for half of the large intestine, which is what you keep poop in, or at least what I keep poop in. Myself. Hold on. (Giggles) OK, so I'm gonna try something. (Giggles) Ricky Williams is really great; he's hungry for meatballs and he's ready for love.

See? That was really bad.

I am hungry for meatballs though. One love!

Monday -- A Message from Tim Tebow

Dear Chadberg,

I have become concerned with your recent behavior.



As you know, Chadly, I am a man of faith. Faith comes before all other things for me-- faith in my fellow man, in God the Father Almighty, in the directing skills of Uwe Boll. I am a believer, Chadwick.

But not in you. Not anymore.

What's all this about my being "not an NFL quarterback"? I am going to be drafted this year, and then I will be an NFL quarterback. Empirically. Or are you being less literal than that? Perhaps. Are you saying my level of talent is insufficient and I am constantly overrated by national sports media? I should hope not, for indeed, only those who are free from sin themselves should be casting stones.

Did you know my mother almost got an abortion when she was pregnant with me? But she didn't. And I'm great. That's destiny. You would know about that if you had watched my Superbowl advertisement, Chadstein. Actually, I'm sure you did watch it. You certainly weren't too busy playing in the Superbowl to see it.

I was once your biggest fan. But that has sunken behind clouds of disappointment. If you continue to mess with me, I will pray harder than I have ever prayed before. And before you know it, Machine Gun Jesus will be coming for you.



Go in peace to love and serve your Lord and mine. Machine Gun Jesus Christ.

Sincerely,

Tim Tebow

A Note Regarding the Previous Post

You know somethin', Henne? I think this might just be my masterpiece.

Thursday -- Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week!

SHOOP DA WHOOP!



What was that sound you ask? Chad Henne's unfunny internet meme boner just got quoted by all your friends! Time to fire mah lazer as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week!!!

This Week:
Tim Tebow

Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Pro-life commercials, playing football at an incredibly overrated level

Rating:
0.5/5 unfunny internet meme boners
My judgment is he's not an NFL quarterback. I'll leave it at that.
Oh, and the 0.5 is because his girlfriend has huge boobs.


PS: Seriously Tebow, fuck off. Sincerely, Chad Motherfucking Henne.
PSS: You suck.

Tuesday -- Chad Henne Presents Ricky's Corner

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Do de doo de do

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the--

Oh, hey y'all, didn't see you there! Ricky Williams here.



So I guess as a way of saying thanks or whatever for basically saving the day against the RoboChad, my buddy Chad decided to let me have a Tuesday feature on his blog! Neat, huh? It's really great, because since I love this blog so much, now I get to be a part of it.

Damn, Ricky could use some hot wings right now. Or like some bacon or lunchmeat or something.

Anyway, I'll fight through my hungry right now to get this first Ricky's Corner entry to you. Each week, or day, or time I write, I'll go over a new issue that's really been bugging me, and see what you guys think. Any questions? No? Then it's time for this feature to wake and bake! I mean... get cooking.

An Issue That's Bugging Ricky Williams: Velociraptors



(Giggles) I don't really want to say what I'm going to talk about, cause it makes me nervous, but I have to say it to talk about it, so here it goes. What's up with velociraptors? They're so scary! One time, I was eating Cheetos, and watching that movie with velociraptors in it, and the one Asian or Spanish or whatever guy is all like "stay out of the tall grass", only they don't, and then they start disappearing, and that was because velociraptors were pulling them down into the tall grass, and I guess it probably seemed taller to them then, which is also scary, or at least intimidating, and a couple of them made it to the cabin, and that was good, but I bet they still had terrible memories of the velociraptors that haunt them to this day or something.

I hated that.

The Showdown: A Transcript

CHAD HENNE: Ricky! Ricky you son of a bitch, we need to talk!

RICKY WILLIAMS: Oh, hey there, Chadwick, what can I do you for, brotherman?

CH: Motherfucker, I know you hacked my e-mail account! I caught you redhanded!

RW: Why do they call it that? Redhanded. I mean, it sort of makes sense if it was like you killed a guy, but since you're talking about hacking, it's really just--

CH: Ricky!

RW: (Giggles)

CH: Oh Jesus, are you high right now?

RW: (Chuckles) What? I didn't hear you, I was having a sweet dream. Like sweet dreams.

CH: Ricky, I know about the RoboChad! I know everything! You sicced the thing on us, now how do we stop it?



ROBOCHAD: You don't know everything, Chad. Far from it. Now what are we going to do about this sticky little situation here?

CH: Ricky!

RC: Errick Williams Junior hacked your blog, this much is true, Chad Henne. But he had nothing to do with my inception. I am something greater. I am beyond.

RW: Whoa.

CH: What the fuck are you, you ass eating chodebot?

RC: I am you, Chad Henne. I am a better you. I am a part of your mind, and I am born of your soul. I am here to lead the Miami Dolphins to a Superbowl, to cook delicious Chad Henne's Steak and Potatoes, to fuck your hot Chad Henne fiancee, sore tonsils and all. And I am here to do it all without your doubts, your insecurities, your emotional barrier of profanity and homophobia.

CH: No. No, this can't be happening. You're nothing.

RC: I am everything, as long as the world wants me. And they do, Chad Henne. Your public needs a better you. Your public needs a me. You are obsolete.

CH: (Looks to ground, tears stinging his eyes like bees. With stingers.)

RW: I-- I don't think you're obeseawhatchit, Chadwick. I don't want a better Chad.

CH: (Looks up, the old fire back in his eyes like a building. That is on fire.)

RC: What are you doing Errick? Why would you want him when you know you could have me?

RW: Because he's real! He's a man, not just some pathetic delusional fantasy! Now Chad, you have to stop him now!

CH: ALL RIGHT ROBOFUCKER, LET'S GO! RIDDLE ME THIS, BITCHTITS: IS THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION "NO"?

RC: Yes. I mean, no. Yes. Yes. No. Yesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoyesno 0000001000000110000011100001111 ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!11!!1!!1!



(A long pause. Chad wipes the sweat of exertion, as well as some robo-detritus, from his stern brow. He looks off into the Miami sunset meaningfully.)

RW: I'm sorry I got jealous about the blog, man.

CH: It's OK, Ricky. You really had nothing to do with that RoboChad?

RW: I didn't, I swear to you Chad. All I know is there's a storm coming in. And when it gets here, we better be ready.

(Terminator music)
BUM BUM, BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM, BUM BUM BUM!

Chad Gets Hacked -- A Disturbing Discovery

Fartlickers:

OK, I think we've got this one figured out. It's in the fucking bag. I went back to my house, and do you know what I found? INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE!



That's right! A fucking DVD copy of Scent of a Woman in my goddamn DVD drive! I guaran-fucking-tee you that shit isn't mine. That movie sucks. Seems to me the perpetrator came over for hot wings, stealthily hacked my e-mail account out of blog envy, watched Scent of a Woman on my computer, and then FORGOT TO TAKE THE MOVIE WITH HIM.

You know what this means.



Ricky Williams must be stopped. He has to be--

What? What the fuck are you guys talking about? What? OUT WITH IT, CHAD-SPEAKS!

Another clue? A numerical clue? Like a Sudoku. You say I gave it to you? I have no idea what you're... oh. Oh no. Oh my god. I should have known.

THAT CLUE! THAT WASN'T ME! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! DIDN'T IT SEEM SUSPICIOUS TO YOU THAT THE FINAL CLUE WAS ON A METALLIC PLATE PROTRUDING FROM THAT GODDAMN DOPPELCHAD'S CHEST? DIDN'T IT? AND YOU SOLVED THE DAMN THING ANYWAY! YOU JUST HAD TO HAVE YOUR FUCKING PUZZLES, CHAD HENNE BE DAMNED! WELL I HAVE SOME FUCKING NEWS FOR YOU, BUTT TRUNCHEONS!

OK, deep breaths.

See, the truth is worse than I had ever imagined. That false Chad that you confused for me? It's not just a DoppelChad. It's a RoboChad. And since you retardedly punched in the input code on his chest Sudoku, his safety switch is off, and he's going to kill every person on this earth.

I'm the only one who can stop it. God save us all.

Chad Gets Hacked! -- A Final Clue

Hello everyone, Chad Henne here.



You all have done very well in decoding the clues I have presented you so far. It's not easy to solve a mystery of this caliber, but you have all responded admirably. I love each and every one of you.

There is one final clue, and then I think I will be able to say with certainty who the criminal was. Don't worry. I shall treat them with the kindness they are due.

Here is your clue.



What does it mean, you ask? Don't worry. All will become clear soon. Very soon.

Love,

Chad Henne

Chad Gets Hacked -- A Clue

Dick Devourers:

I forgot something on Tuesday about my database of suspects. I had spoken to each of them right before the web-jacking occurred! Yes! I'm going to capture this crooked fucker once and for all!

I have here the list of quotes. Hopefully together we can figure out the important details from these statements, and then, once we've done that, we can dknvidowje!

Wait, what's odiwji on?

OH FUCK, YOU CROOKED DJFDFJOEKNJS! JFDINW CHEATING!

Somebody has scrambled my fjdsfiodn of speech! I don't kdjfkld how, but it fdjkslfj happened! You need to flkdjfs me unscramble the quotes so wkej nknet figure jfiodn out! Click fkdj tkjeskjfoe enlarge!

KDLFJION! ZNOWPOI! ASKLJDFRE!

Tim Tebow:

Ricky Williams:

Nick Cannon: *actual Nick Cannon quote

Ray Lewis:



Chad Henne

Tzompnret by Ricky Williams

Chad Gets Hacked! -- A Clue

You aren't going to believe this. Shit, I don't believe it myself. But I think I've found another clue.

As I was attempting to deep search my penis flash drive, I found an old e-mail from Ricky. I'm sure there was something important it. But when I went to look at it, some jizz jockey had scrambled the whole thing up so I couldn't read it!

Again, no, I don't know why they didn't just delete it.

This dastardly deed must not go unpunished. I need your help once again. You have to find all the hidden words from the e-mail, and tell me what the e-mail was about. I remember a few of the things we talked about, so I gave you those as a starting point. BECAUSE I'M JUST ONE NICE MOTHERFUCKER.

(click to enlarge)


We are so close.

Chad Henne

Forwarded by Ricky Williams

Chad Gets Hacked! -- A Clue

Hey dicks, me again. I know you think I just said everything was fine, but see, the thing is, that Chad Henne from yesterday? That wasn't me. That was someone else. Or something. A doppelganger Chad. A doppelChad.

Shit's been getting really freaky lately. I've been laying low for a while. I shudder to think what might happen if that butt puppet doppelChad knew how close I was to cracking this mystery as wide open as the legs of a college student in Roethlisberger's apartment.

I digress.

I've been staying with Ricky until the heat dies down, but I snuck back into my house to retrieve my database of possible suspects, using my dick as a jump drive. But somebody had scrambled it all up!

Before you skeptical bastards even ask, no, I don't know why they didn't just delete. But I need your help to put it back together using a few facts I remember about each suspect.

(Click image to enlarge)


Clues:

1. The person who likes the film Pirates 2 isn't WildNOutGuy
2. The person who uses either the wrench or the revolver is Nick Cannon (fucking Nick Cannon)
3. ILoveLunchmeat34 is not Tim Tebow
4. Tim Tebow's favorite movie came out more recently than Ray Lewis'
5. The person whose favorite film is Pirates 2 is Nick Cannon
6. The dildo user isn't WildNOutGuy and is not Ricky Williams
7. The revolver aficionado is Jesus$ave$
8. Of Ray Lewis and the candlestick wielder, one is Jesus$ave$ and the other appreciates Scent of a Woman
9. The candlesticker's favorite film predates the wrencher's

Wow, I really fucking suck at remembering things.

Chad Henne

Forwarded by Ricky Williams

Chad Gets Hacked! -- A Message From Chad

Hey guys, Chad Henne here.



You totally won't even believe this good news I have for you. It looks like I got my e-mail account back! This is great! I guess there won't have to be any investigation into the hacking at all, because everything is just hunky dory.

That's my favorite David Bowie album. I like the way he dresses, because it's cute.

So yeah, I guess that's it. I'd like to thank all you guys for your support, and a special shout-out to Ricky Williams, who was very helpful in letting me use his computer for a while. And I want to say that I think Tim Tebow is a really great guy, and he's going to be an excellent QB someday, maybe even better than me!

Can't wait to play him.

Love, love, love,

Chad Henne

PS: Nothing is seriously wrong here.

Chad Gets Hacked! -- A Message From Chad

Listen up, ass blasters. Seriously, you guys are Ass Blaster 2: In Search of Spot. Because you blast so many asses.

I know what you've been thinking. "Doot de doot, where's Chad been lately? I have such a small dick, and without him around, I haven't had a boner in weeks!" Well I haven't been just sitting around jerkin' the gherkin like you nut shufflers. I've been doing detective work to find out WHO HACKED MY E-MAIL ACCOUNT!

I'm close. So close. But for once in my life, I need your help, Chad-SPEAKS. Over the past weeks, I have collected a series of clues in my investigations. But they are so cryptic! Whoever is behind this Internet-jacking, which is also what I call it when I look at porn, must be as clever as Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 2. Just 2, not the other ones. No matter! I need somebody who can help me decode these clues. I need you.

I'M SO CLOSE I CAN TASTE IT AND IT TASTES GOOD LIKE BEEF RAMEN!!! LET'S DO THIS FOR THE TEAM, FOR GOD, FOR COUNTRY, FOR JIMMY BUFFET!

Oh, and Ricky says hi.

Chad Henne

Forwarded by Ricky Williams