Oh readers. Oh my dear, dear readers. I guess the end is coming after all. This reminds me of the time I killed my lover with my giant penis and then sat alone in my room with no lights on for two weeks, listening to Brick, by Ben Folds. BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS.
I'm pretty sure that was an appropriate song to listen to. I mean, it seemed sad, so whatever.
ANYWAY. I digress. I've been trying to call people I care about and talk about our impending doom, but every time somebody picks up, I just start crying until they assume it's a prank call and hang up. That's right, fuckholes, Chad Henne cries too. He cries but good. Because he cares.
So since I can't call any of you poop snorters, I want to at least tell the world something over this blog. It's the least you interbloggers can do, since you've spent the last several months fucking up my business online.
Here goes.
I love you. All of you. I want to thank you all for being so good to me, for rooting for me as the Miami Dolphins' quarterback of the future, for, if you are a lady, fellating me. It's been one of hell of a ride, and I'm sad to see it end this way. As a result of Machine Gun Christianity.
I guess there's only one person left to go see now. Wish me luck.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
A Message from Machine Gun Jesus
Chad Henne, Chad's friends and teammates, creator of this blog, I have a message for all of you. And the rest of the world. The Rapture is real. And it is starting today.
I was not planning on heralding the final judgment of man so soon, or indeed, planning on making such an announcement on a blogspot site, but your past week of wallowing in sinful smut has convinced my father, Machine Gun God. I hope you all enjoyed luscious lady week, because those may be the last luscious ladies you see for the rest of eternity. And that 50th blogiversary party sure looked like fun! Too bad you didn't have any room for the holy spirit at your little shindig.
To those of you who are pure of heart, the true believers, in about a week's time, depending on how crazy traffic is this Memorial Day weekend, shall be ushered up to heaven, where you shall live in harmony. The rest of you sinners--and you know who you are--shall remain on Earth, and prepare to face the final machine gun judgment.
I hope I have made myself abundantly clear.
Best,
Machine Gun Jesus
I was not planning on heralding the final judgment of man so soon, or indeed, planning on making such an announcement on a blogspot site, but your past week of wallowing in sinful smut has convinced my father, Machine Gun God. I hope you all enjoyed luscious lady week, because those may be the last luscious ladies you see for the rest of eternity. And that 50th blogiversary party sure looked like fun! Too bad you didn't have any room for the holy spirit at your little shindig.
To those of you who are pure of heart, the true believers, in about a week's time, depending on how crazy traffic is this Memorial Day weekend, shall be ushered up to heaven, where you shall live in harmony. The rest of you sinners--and you know who you are--shall remain on Earth, and prepare to face the final machine gun judgment.
I hope I have made myself abundantly clear.
Best,
Machine Gun Jesus
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
SPECIAL 50TH BLOGIVERSARY CELEBRATION!
Readers, Chad-SPEAKS has officially reached 50 posts. I couldn't have done it without me! But now, you all know what that means. TIME TO BLOW THE MOTHERFUCKING ROOF OFF THE MOTHERFUCKER! 50TH BLOGIVERSARY PARTY, WOO!!!
GRAB YOUR NOISEMAKERS!
GRAB YOUR LIGHT BEER!
GRAB YOUR CLAMATO!
GRAB YOUR VIALS OF COCAINE!
GRAB YOUR VAN PIMPED TO LOOK LIKE THE MYSTERY MACHINE!
GRAB YOUR BATHING CHIMPANZEE!
GRAB YOUR PROSTITUTES!
GRAB YOUR UGLI FRUIT!
GRAB YOUR TOM CRUISE'S KID!
GRAB ALL OF THESE THINGS, BECAUSE WE ARE PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS! WE ARE GOING TO FUCKING PARTY LIKE THIS IS THE LAST PARTY ON THE MOTHERFUCKING PLANET!
And it will be. Until the 100th blogiversary, that is.
GRAB YOUR NOISEMAKERS!
GRAB YOUR LIGHT BEER!
GRAB YOUR CLAMATO!
GRAB YOUR VIALS OF COCAINE!
GRAB YOUR VAN PIMPED TO LOOK LIKE THE MYSTERY MACHINE!
GRAB YOUR BATHING CHIMPANZEE!
GRAB YOUR PROSTITUTES!
GRAB YOUR UGLI FRUIT!
GRAB YOUR TOM CRUISE'S KID!
GRAB ALL OF THESE THINGS, BECAUSE WE ARE PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS! WE ARE GOING TO FUCKING PARTY LIKE THIS IS THE LAST PARTY ON THE MOTHERFUCKING PLANET!
And it will be. Until the 100th blogiversary, that is.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week -- Day 5
PLOP, PLOP, FIZZ, FIZZ!
What was that sound, you ask? Chad Henne's Alka Seltzer boner is curing your morning hangover! Get ready for a little bit of the old Fizzy-Good Make-Feel-Nice (wink) as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!!
Today:
Helen of Troy
Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Sparta, Troy
Rating:
0/5 Alka Seltzer boners
Readers, Chad Henne here. Now, I thought I would do something special for the last entry of Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week, not so much because I respect you in any way, but because I need some primo Chad spankbank material to tide me over until the next Luscious Lady. And I had been hearing a lot of buzz about this Helen bimbo, like on that fucker Trebek's show, WHICH IS CLEARLY RIGGED BECAUSE I'VE NEVER WON IT, but come on, look at that damn picture. Ugh. She's complaining IN THE PICTURE! And it's a goddamn picture, a static image, AND YET IT SOMEHOW CAPTURES SUCH A REPUGNANT REPRESENTATION OF A BITCH STEPPING OUT OF LINE THAT MY MIGHTY MAN MAST HAS ALL BUT WILTED AND DIED LIKE A SAD LITTLE---
Hang on, what's this? This must be the real Helen of Troy! From the movie Troy, you say? I don't care, this is the one that matters! I would revise my previous rating except I DON'T BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES! Still, take comfort in knowing, Helen, that my Lunchables Supreme salutes you. My WMD is fully armed once more. Readers, I think we've learned something valuable today. And that is that Ancient Greece can go fuck itself, and Hollywood is where the truly great literature comes from. USA! USA! USA! USA!
What was that sound, you ask? Chad Henne's Alka Seltzer boner is curing your morning hangover! Get ready for a little bit of the old Fizzy-Good Make-Feel-Nice (wink) as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!!
Today:
Helen of Troy
Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Sparta, Troy
Rating:
0/5 Alka Seltzer boners
Readers, Chad Henne here. Now, I thought I would do something special for the last entry of Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week, not so much because I respect you in any way, but because I need some primo Chad spankbank material to tide me over until the next Luscious Lady. And I had been hearing a lot of buzz about this Helen bimbo, like on that fucker Trebek's show, WHICH IS CLEARLY RIGGED BECAUSE I'VE NEVER WON IT, but come on, look at that damn picture. Ugh. She's complaining IN THE PICTURE! And it's a goddamn picture, a static image, AND YET IT SOMEHOW CAPTURES SUCH A REPUGNANT REPRESENTATION OF A BITCH STEPPING OUT OF LINE THAT MY MIGHTY MAN MAST HAS ALL BUT WILTED AND DIED LIKE A SAD LITTLE---
Hang on, what's this? This must be the real Helen of Troy! From the movie Troy, you say? I don't care, this is the one that matters! I would revise my previous rating except I DON'T BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES! Still, take comfort in knowing, Helen, that my Lunchables Supreme salutes you. My WMD is fully armed once more. Readers, I think we've learned something valuable today. And that is that Ancient Greece can go fuck itself, and Hollywood is where the truly great literature comes from. USA! USA! USA! USA!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week -- Day 4
WOP BAM A LOO WOP A WAM BAM BOOM!
What was that sound, you ask? Chad Henne's Tutti Frutti boner is getting all rooty (wikipedia it, trust me)! Rock to the east--AFC East, that is--as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!!
Today:
Shandi Finnessey
Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Miss America, Co-Hosting GSN's "Lingo"
Rating:
4.5/5 Tutti Frutti boners
Readers, Chad Henne here. Today I had a momentary crisis. Is it sexist of me to post pictures on my blog of women I have intercoursed between 2 and 3 times, inclusive, and then rate them on some arbitrary scale based on my erect penis? Is it chauvinistic? Does it set back the cause of feminism, a cause I readily embrace because females have boobs? I was really stuck in a rut, and not in the sense I usually mean when I use the term stuck in a rut, which is that I was having some sex. Luckily, later on in the evening I looked at porn for a few hours, and decided that what I do is important. American. CHADTACULAR! I was spiritually ready to continue writing my blog entry for the day.
But I digress. HAHAHA, WHEW, WHERE WAS I? Sounded like I was sharing my innermost feelings with you, and everybody knows that's gay. HAHAHA!
Anyway, Shandi is undeniably the most bangable game show co-hostess since Vanna White. You may ask, Chad, isn't that an odd niche to fill? Well thanks for asking, but it was actually a lovely niche, and yes, I did fill it, you horny bastards. She loses 0.5 Tutti Frutti boners for no good reason, just so I can keep you shit-shovelers on your toes.
What was that sound, you ask? Chad Henne's Tutti Frutti boner is getting all rooty (wikipedia it, trust me)! Rock to the east--AFC East, that is--as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!!
Today:
Shandi Finnessey
Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Miss America, Co-Hosting GSN's "Lingo"
Rating:
4.5/5 Tutti Frutti boners
Readers, Chad Henne here. Today I had a momentary crisis. Is it sexist of me to post pictures on my blog of women I have intercoursed between 2 and 3 times, inclusive, and then rate them on some arbitrary scale based on my erect penis? Is it chauvinistic? Does it set back the cause of feminism, a cause I readily embrace because females have boobs? I was really stuck in a rut, and not in the sense I usually mean when I use the term stuck in a rut, which is that I was having some sex. Luckily, later on in the evening I looked at porn for a few hours, and decided that what I do is important. American. CHADTACULAR! I was spiritually ready to continue writing my blog entry for the day.
But I digress. HAHAHA, WHEW, WHERE WAS I? Sounded like I was sharing my innermost feelings with you, and everybody knows that's gay. HAHAHA!
Anyway, Shandi is undeniably the most bangable game show co-hostess since Vanna White. You may ask, Chad, isn't that an odd niche to fill? Well thanks for asking, but it was actually a lovely niche, and yes, I did fill it, you horny bastards. She loses 0.5 Tutti Frutti boners for no good reason, just so I can keep you shit-shovelers on your toes.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week -- Day 3
OOGA-CHAKA OOGA OOGA OOGA-CHAKA!
What was that sound you ask? Chad Henne's Blue Swede boner is one typo away from being a much better song! Don't you step on it as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!!
Today:
Summer Glau
Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Firefly, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Rating:
4/5 Blue Swede boners
Summer Glau is smoking hot, and EVERYONE KNOWS HOW I FEEL ABOUT LADIES WITH SEASONS AS THEIR NAMES! I'M LOOKING AT YOU, SPRING BYINGTON!
Hm. Or maybe not.
Anyway, I digress! Summer Glau used to dance ballet, which means she's probably flexible, which means she can probably handle all of my Chad Henne sex moves. That's a major plus. And while she may never win an Academy Award, that's only because the academy doesn't give awards on the basis of hotness. BUT I INTEND TO CHANGE THAT SOONER THAN YOU THINK, YOU CONSERVATIVE, SUIT-WEARING, INSIDE-THE-BOX-THINKING ACADEMY MOTHERFUCKERS! So, Summer, when you win the 2017 award for Best Supporting Hot Chick Who Made a Kind of Crappy Movie More Enjoyable and Bonerific, you'll know who to thank.
What was that sound you ask? Chad Henne's Blue Swede boner is one typo away from being a much better song! Don't you step on it as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!!
Today:
Summer Glau
Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Firefly, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Rating:
4/5 Blue Swede boners
Summer Glau is smoking hot, and EVERYONE KNOWS HOW I FEEL ABOUT LADIES WITH SEASONS AS THEIR NAMES! I'M LOOKING AT YOU, SPRING BYINGTON!
Hm. Or maybe not.
Anyway, I digress! Summer Glau used to dance ballet, which means she's probably flexible, which means she can probably handle all of my Chad Henne sex moves. That's a major plus. And while she may never win an Academy Award, that's only because the academy doesn't give awards on the basis of hotness. BUT I INTEND TO CHANGE THAT SOONER THAN YOU THINK, YOU CONSERVATIVE, SUIT-WEARING, INSIDE-THE-BOX-THINKING ACADEMY MOTHERFUCKERS! So, Summer, when you win the 2017 award for Best Supporting Hot Chick Who Made a Kind of Crappy Movie More Enjoyable and Bonerific, you'll know who to thank.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week -- Day 2
What was that sound, you ask? Chad Henne's Mario boner just got a super mushroom. [Insert obvious joke involving mushrooms and dicks here] as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!! DAY 2!!! ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!!!
Today:
Jessica Rabbit
Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Wet Dreams
Rating:
2.5/5 Mario boners
OH NO NO NO! I MUST RESIST THE SEXY CARTOON! IT'S NOT RIGHT TO BE USHERED INTO MANHOOD THIS WAY! It's only day 2 of my redemptive struggle, and yet already I find myself more conflicted than a hermaphrodite that has to take a piss! I know she's a cartoon, but come on, what am I supposed to do about THOSE? You know what I'm talking about, readers, don't be polite. And don't give me that "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way" shit. I want to erect a shrine that exists exclusively to worship Jessica Rabbit's giant, cartoon boobs. And by a shrine, I mean my Chad Henne meatstick. And by erect, I mean erect. BUT GOD, OH GOD, THINK OF THE CHILDREN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week -- Day 1
Readers, Chad Henne here. In as much as it is possible for me to be wrong ever, I have done wrong by you. If I thought you were worth my time, I would feel remorse, I would rue, I would be regretful! Luckily, I don't give two shit-covered shits what any of you think. But the simple fact remains.
I fucked up.
Listen. Maybe I haven't been the most attentive blogger lately. Maybe I've let Ricky do all the heavy lifting around here. Maybe I killed a RoboChad and then shirked all my duties in favor of doing lines of coke off prostitutes' boobs. That's not the point!
Also, at some point somebody fucked up and said that Ricky Williams eats meat. That is entirely untrue except where Al Pacino's dick is concerned. Scent of a Woman? Seriously?
I digress. Anyway, to reward all of my loyal followers, which is like one guy, and maybe whoever runs this pisspot of a blog, but I'm not even sure about that anymore, I've decided to do something special this week. Now, with that said.....
BRING ON THE SMUT!
What was that sound you ask? Chad Henne's apologetic boner just prostrated itself before you! What? Prostated? No, not that. Ew. Anyway, be the bigger man (as if!) as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!!
Today:
Rose McGowan
Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Grindhouse, Previously Banging Marilyn Manson
Rating:
5/5 apologetic boners
In a movie I saw once, she had a fucking machine gun for her fucking leg. When I saw that, I had a fucking boner for my fucking penis. CHAD LIKEY MUCH! Additionally: (NSFW, YSFCTB [Yes Safe For Chad To Bang]) That is all.
I fucked up.
Listen. Maybe I haven't been the most attentive blogger lately. Maybe I've let Ricky do all the heavy lifting around here. Maybe I killed a RoboChad and then shirked all my duties in favor of doing lines of coke off prostitutes' boobs. That's not the point!
Also, at some point somebody fucked up and said that Ricky Williams eats meat. That is entirely untrue except where Al Pacino's dick is concerned. Scent of a Woman? Seriously?
I digress. Anyway, to reward all of my loyal followers, which is like one guy, and maybe whoever runs this pisspot of a blog, but I'm not even sure about that anymore, I've decided to do something special this week. Now, with that said.....
BRING ON THE SMUT!
What was that sound you ask? Chad Henne's apologetic boner just prostrated itself before you! What? Prostated? No, not that. Ew. Anyway, be the bigger man (as if!) as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!!
Today:
Rose McGowan
Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Grindhouse, Previously Banging Marilyn Manson
Rating:
5/5 apologetic boners
In a movie I saw once, she had a fucking machine gun for her fucking leg. When I saw that, I had a fucking boner for my fucking penis. CHAD LIKEY MUCH! Additionally: (NSFW, YSFCTB [Yes Safe For Chad To Bang]) That is all.
![(NSFW, YSFCTB [Yes Safe For Chad To Bang])](http://woody.typepad.com/files/rose_mcgowan_98_mtv_awards_dress.jpg){kind=link}
Guest Post: A Message from Errick Williams Jr.
Hey man,
It took me a while to track you down, but I have my ways. You know,
Ayurveda, that kind of thing. Anyway, the point is, I'm feeling a little
misunderstood right now. So a while ago, I was reading Greg Mankiw's blog,
and I noticed that little button at the top that says "next blog," and I
thought, hey why not not. So I click it, and here I am staring down a big
old picture of Chad's head pasted onto that guy from the Prestige. I'm all
about glorifying Chad, so I read on. Pretty soon, I find out you started
glorifying me, too. Now, I guess that's not so bad, and there actually are a
few things that have been bothering me, so consider me intrigued. Anyway,
I'm reading this one about semicolons, and kinda liking it, but then I see
"he's hungry for meatballs and he's ready for love." Ready for love, I
guess. Hungry for meatballs? No way, man, Ricky's a vegetarian! See what I
mean by misunderstood? OK, man, I just had to get that off my chest. All
right, got to go, Chad's coming over for Gardenburgers tomorrow, so I gotta
get me some sleep.
Sincerely,
Ricky Williams
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)