It's the Circle of Life, Chad Henne

Ghostly Visage of Dan Marino: Hello, my child.

Chad Henne: Dan Marino! I knew you'd come! I just knew you'd come! I trekked for days and days and turned into a lion to find you!

GVDM: Indeed, a wise choice, for in terms of their mighty cocks, lions are truly the kings of the jungle.

CH: That's what I told Ricky. He wasn't buying it.

GVDM: Ah, how is dear old Errick?

CH: Well actually, ghostly visage of Dan Marino, that's not why I came to see you. I'm not just here to catch up and shoot the breeze.

GVDM: Then what is it, my son?

CH: Well Dan Marino, when we threw our big 50th blogiversary party--

GVDM: I remember it well! I drank sweet nectar from the nipples of a Bulgarian prostitute long into the night! Sweet party, young one.

CH: Fuck, I know, that's what I said! But anyway, it really pissed off Jesus. He came with a machine gun, and now the rapture is pretty much imminently due to start. I mean, it's been imminently due to start for almost a month now. We're pretty F-ed in the B.H.

GVDM: Oh young one.

CH: What, Dan?

GVDM: Think. Look into your inner soul. If Machine Gun Jesus wanted to punish us all for our assorted sins, such as snorting a line of cocaine off your vanity--

CH: So that was you!

GVDM: As a floating head, yes, the sweet white lightning is one of the few pleasures left to me. But if Jesus wanted to punish us, why has he not done it yet? You must learn not to trust your eyes, Chad Henne, but your heart. Perhaps consider using your penis as a dowsing rod. It has surprising efficacy, especially when it becomes necessary to find truffles.

CH: Hm. That makes sense, I think. Hey, did you know the GM thinks I may be the best QB in franchise history? Any of the Miami media outlets let that one slip over your way?

GVDM (fading slowly into the sunset): Hm? What was that?

CH: I said--

GVDM: It's the circle of life, Chad Henne!

GVDM: The circle of life!

GVDM: The circle of life! Also, fuck you, you fucking upstart.

CH: What was that?

GVDM: [vanishes]

CH: Shit. What do I do now? I'm still a fucking lion.

A Moment of Frank Self-Reflection from Tim Tebow

Chadston? You there, buddy? It's me, Tim Tebow.



What? The strange outfit? Oh, I was just watching Jesus Christ Superstar to prepare myself for the rapture, and I saw some guys dressed like this, and I figured, well, what the hey? I want to fit in when I get to heaven, so I better look the part.

Anyhoo, Chadzilla, buddy, I was gonna frankly self-reflect just like you, you know, just to show there's no hard feelings. I had nothing to do with this Machine Gun Jesus thing, man, it was just bad timing for you, seeing as how you're a sinner and all. I wasn't trying to get back at you for that picture of me holding the dirty stick. That wouldn't be very Christian of me, Machine Gun or otherwise.

So like I said, I was all set to self-reflect, but then I realized that I have lived a completely pure, blameless life! Crazy, right? But it's true! So I don't really have anything to get off my chest. I guess I just wanted to say hi.

But I gotta go, Chadenstein. Like I said, I'm packing for the rapture, and I gotta get my stuff in order. And I gotta make sure I go to the bathroom before we leave on the heaven bus. Mama Tebow says that if you have to pee, the Machine Gun Angels make you do it in a jar! Wow!

Don't I just ramble on sometimes, Chadburger? Enjoy staying on Earth for the final judgment of humanity! You'll have to tell me how it goes. The Machine Gun Lord be with you.

Love,
Tim Tebow

A Moment of Frank Self-Reflection from Chad Henne

Oh readers. Oh my dear, dear readers. I guess the end is coming after all. This reminds me of the time I killed my lover with my giant penis and then sat alone in my room with no lights on for two weeks, listening to Brick, by Ben Folds. BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS.



I'm pretty sure that was an appropriate song to listen to. I mean, it seemed sad, so whatever.

ANYWAY. I digress. I've been trying to call people I care about and talk about our impending doom, but every time somebody picks up, I just start crying until they assume it's a prank call and hang up. That's right, fuckholes, Chad Henne cries too. He cries but good. Because he cares.

So since I can't call any of you poop snorters, I want to at least tell the world something over this blog. It's the least you interbloggers can do, since you've spent the last several months fucking up my business online.

Here goes.

I love you. All of you. I want to thank you all for being so good to me, for rooting for me as the Miami Dolphins' quarterback of the future, for, if you are a lady, fellating me. It's been one of hell of a ride, and I'm sad to see it end this way. As a result of Machine Gun Christianity.

I guess there's only one person left to go see now. Wish me luck.

A Message from Machine Gun Jesus

Chad Henne, Chad's friends and teammates, creator of this blog, I have a message for all of you. And the rest of the world. The Rapture is real. And it is starting today.



I was not planning on heralding the final judgment of man so soon, or indeed, planning on making such an announcement on a blogspot site, but your past week of wallowing in sinful smut has convinced my father, Machine Gun God. I hope you all enjoyed luscious lady week, because those may be the last luscious ladies you see for the rest of eternity. And that 50th blogiversary party sure looked like fun! Too bad you didn't have any room for the holy spirit at your little shindig.

To those of you who are pure of heart, the true believers, in about a week's time, depending on how crazy traffic is this Memorial Day weekend, shall be ushered up to heaven, where you shall live in harmony. The rest of you sinners--and you know who you are--shall remain on Earth, and prepare to face the final machine gun judgment.

I hope I have made myself abundantly clear.

Best,
Machine Gun Jesus

SPECIAL 50TH BLOGIVERSARY CELEBRATION!

Readers, Chad-SPEAKS has officially reached 50 posts. I couldn't have done it without me! But now, you all know what that means. TIME TO BLOW THE MOTHERFUCKING ROOF OFF THE MOTHERFUCKER! 50TH BLOGIVERSARY PARTY, WOO!!!

GRAB YOUR NOISEMAKERS!



GRAB YOUR LIGHT BEER!



GRAB YOUR CLAMATO!



GRAB YOUR VIALS OF COCAINE!



GRAB YOUR VAN PIMPED TO LOOK LIKE THE MYSTERY MACHINE!



GRAB YOUR BATHING CHIMPANZEE!



GRAB YOUR PROSTITUTES!



GRAB YOUR UGLI FRUIT!



GRAB YOUR TOM CRUISE'S KID!



GRAB ALL OF THESE THINGS, BECAUSE WE ARE PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS! WE ARE GOING TO FUCKING PARTY LIKE THIS IS THE LAST PARTY ON THE MOTHERFUCKING PLANET!

And it will be. Until the 100th blogiversary, that is.

Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week -- Day 5

PLOP, PLOP, FIZZ, FIZZ!



What was that sound, you ask? Chad Henne's Alka Seltzer boner is curing your morning hangover! Get ready for a little bit of the old Fizzy-Good Make-Feel-Nice (wink) as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!!

Today:
Helen of Troy

Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Sparta, Troy

Rating:
0/5 Alka Seltzer boners

Readers, Chad Henne here. Now, I thought I would do something special for the last entry of Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week, not so much because I respect you in any way, but because I need some primo Chad spankbank material to tide me over until the next Luscious Lady. And I had been hearing a lot of buzz about this Helen bimbo, like on that fucker Trebek's show, WHICH IS CLEARLY RIGGED BECAUSE I'VE NEVER WON IT, but come on, look at that damn picture. Ugh. She's complaining IN THE PICTURE! And it's a goddamn picture, a static image, AND YET IT SOMEHOW CAPTURES SUCH A REPUGNANT REPRESENTATION OF A BITCH STEPPING OUT OF LINE THAT MY MIGHTY MAN MAST HAS ALL BUT WILTED AND DIED LIKE A SAD LITTLE---



Hang on, what's this? This must be the real Helen of Troy! From the movie Troy, you say? I don't care, this is the one that matters! I would revise my previous rating except I DON'T BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES! Still, take comfort in knowing, Helen, that my Lunchables Supreme salutes you. My WMD is fully armed once more. Readers, I think we've learned something valuable today. And that is that Ancient Greece can go fuck itself, and Hollywood is where the truly great literature comes from. USA! USA! USA! USA!

Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week -- Day 4

WOP BAM A LOO WOP A WAM BAM BOOM!



What was that sound, you ask? Chad Henne's Tutti Frutti boner is getting all rooty (wikipedia it, trust me)! Rock to the east--AFC East, that is--as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!!

Today:
Shandi Finnessey

Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Miss America, Co-Hosting GSN's "Lingo"

Rating:
4.5/5 Tutti Frutti boners

Readers, Chad Henne here. Today I had a momentary crisis. Is it sexist of me to post pictures on my blog of women I have intercoursed between 2 and 3 times, inclusive, and then rate them on some arbitrary scale based on my erect penis? Is it chauvinistic? Does it set back the cause of feminism, a cause I readily embrace because females have boobs? I was really stuck in a rut, and not in the sense I usually mean when I use the term stuck in a rut, which is that I was having some sex. Luckily, later on in the evening I looked at porn for a few hours, and decided that what I do is important. American. CHADTACULAR! I was spiritually ready to continue writing my blog entry for the day.

But I digress. HAHAHA, WHEW, WHERE WAS I? Sounded like I was sharing my innermost feelings with you, and everybody knows that's gay. HAHAHA!

Anyway, Shandi is undeniably the most bangable game show co-hostess since Vanna White. You may ask, Chad, isn't that an odd niche to fill? Well thanks for asking, but it was actually a lovely niche, and yes, I did fill it, you horny bastards. She loses 0.5 Tutti Frutti boners for no good reason, just so I can keep you shit-shovelers on your toes.

Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week -- Day 3

OOGA-CHAKA OOGA OOGA OOGA-CHAKA!



What was that sound you ask? Chad Henne's Blue Swede boner is one typo away from being a much better song! Don't you step on it as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!!

Today:
Summer Glau

Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Firefly, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Rating:
4/5 Blue Swede boners

Summer Glau is smoking hot, and EVERYONE KNOWS HOW I FEEL ABOUT LADIES WITH SEASONS AS THEIR NAMES! I'M LOOKING AT YOU, SPRING BYINGTON!



Hm. Or maybe not.

Anyway, I digress! Summer Glau used to dance ballet, which means she's probably flexible, which means she can probably handle all of my Chad Henne sex moves. That's a major plus. And while she may never win an Academy Award, that's only because the academy doesn't give awards on the basis of hotness. BUT I INTEND TO CHANGE THAT SOONER THAN YOU THINK, YOU CONSERVATIVE, SUIT-WEARING, INSIDE-THE-BOX-THINKING ACADEMY MOTHERFUCKERS! So, Summer, when you win the 2017 award for Best Supporting Hot Chick Who Made a Kind of Crappy Movie More Enjoyable and Bonerific, you'll know who to thank.

Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week -- Day 2

What was that sound, you ask? Chad Henne's Mario boner just got a super mushroom. [Insert obvious joke involving mushrooms and dicks here] as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!! DAY 2!!! ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!!!

Today:
Jessica Rabbit

Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Wet Dreams

Rating:
2.5/5 Mario boners

OH NO NO NO! I MUST RESIST THE SEXY CARTOON! IT'S NOT RIGHT TO BE USHERED INTO MANHOOD THIS WAY! It's only day 2 of my redemptive struggle, and yet already I find myself more conflicted than a hermaphrodite that has to take a piss! I know she's a cartoon, but come on, what am I supposed to do about THOSE? You know what I'm talking about, readers, don't be polite. And don't give me that "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way" shit. I want to erect a shrine that exists exclusively to worship Jessica Rabbit's giant, cartoon boobs. And by a shrine, I mean my Chad Henne meatstick. And by erect, I mean erect. BUT GOD, OH GOD, THINK OF THE CHILDREN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!

Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week -- Day 1

Readers, Chad Henne here. In as much as it is possible for me to be wrong ever, I have done wrong by you. If I thought you were worth my time, I would feel remorse, I would rue, I would be regretful! Luckily, I don't give two shit-covered shits what any of you think. But the simple fact remains.



I fucked up.

Listen. Maybe I haven't been the most attentive blogger lately. Maybe I've let Ricky do all the heavy lifting around here. Maybe I killed a RoboChad and then shirked all my duties in favor of doing lines of coke off prostitutes' boobs. That's not the point!

Also, at some point somebody fucked up and said that Ricky Williams eats meat. That is entirely untrue except where Al Pacino's dick is concerned. Scent of a Woman? Seriously?

I digress. Anyway, to reward all of my loyal followers, which is like one guy, and maybe whoever runs this pisspot of a blog, but I'm not even sure about that anymore, I've decided to do something special this week. Now, with that said.....

BRING ON THE SMUT!



What was that sound you ask? Chad Henne's apologetic boner just prostrated itself before you! What? Prostated? No, not that. Ew. Anyway, be the bigger man (as if!) as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!!

Today:
Rose McGowan

Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Grindhouse, Previously Banging Marilyn Manson

Rating:
5/5 apologetic boners
In a movie I saw once, she had a fucking machine gun for her fucking leg. When I saw that, I had a fucking boner for my fucking penis. CHAD LIKEY MUCH! Additionally: (NSFW, YSFCTB [Yes Safe For Chad To Bang]) That is all.

Guest Post: A Message from Errick Williams Jr.

Hey man,

It took me a while to track you down, but I have my ways. You know,
Ayurveda, that kind of thing. Anyway, the point is, I'm feeling a little
misunderstood right now. So a while ago, I was reading Greg Mankiw's blog,
and I noticed that little button at the top that says "next blog," and I
thought, hey why not not. So I click it, and here I am staring down a big
old picture of Chad's head pasted onto that guy from the Prestige. I'm all
about glorifying Chad, so I read on. Pretty soon, I find out you started
glorifying me, too. Now, I guess that's not so bad, and there actually are a
few things that have been bothering me, so consider me intrigued. Anyway,
I'm reading this one about semicolons, and kinda liking it, but then I see
"he's hungry for meatballs and he's ready for love." Ready for love, I
guess. Hungry for meatballs? No way, man, Ricky's a vegetarian! See what I
mean by misunderstood? OK, man, I just had to get that off my chest. All
right, got to go, Chad's coming over for Gardenburgers tomorrow, so I gotta
get me some sleep.

Sincerely,

Ricky Williams

Wednesday -- Chad Henne Presents Ricky's Corner

Go the church, but the preacher he just preach at me
Go to the club, but the women oh they know me
Want a relationship, I wanna have a family
I'm schizophrenic paranoid, tell me what is wrong with me

Desperate! I'm desperate why won't you hold me!
Desperate! I'm desperate for the--

Oh, hey y'all, what are you doing here? Ricky Williams speaking.



Is it time for another Ricky's Corner already? I swear to God I like just did the last one and then took a nap. Well whatever, bra. I got a good one for y'all today. Something's really been bugging me lately.

An Issue That's Bugging Ricky Williams: Semicolons



(Giggles) So seriously, what's the big idea with semicolons and everything? Because I read one in a book the other day, which was Pride and Prejudice, if you're curious, and I said to myself, I said, "Self, what's the big idea with semicolons and everything?" Because like, so if I were writing, I would probably just use a period, or maybe comma, and I mean, if I were feeling really crazy or hungry or whatever, like a colon. I don't get it. What is a semicolon? Is it a period or a comma? Actually man, whoa, I bet it's not really either, because it's called a semicolon, which is also a word for half of the large intestine, which is what you keep poop in, or at least what I keep poop in. Myself. Hold on. (Giggles) OK, so I'm gonna try something. (Giggles) Ricky Williams is really great; he's hungry for meatballs and he's ready for love.

See? That was really bad.

I am hungry for meatballs though. One love!

Monday -- A Message from Tim Tebow

Dear Chadberg,

I have become concerned with your recent behavior.



As you know, Chadly, I am a man of faith. Faith comes before all other things for me-- faith in my fellow man, in God the Father Almighty, in the directing skills of Uwe Boll. I am a believer, Chadwick.

But not in you. Not anymore.

What's all this about my being "not an NFL quarterback"? I am going to be drafted this year, and then I will be an NFL quarterback. Empirically. Or are you being less literal than that? Perhaps. Are you saying my level of talent is insufficient and I am constantly overrated by national sports media? I should hope not, for indeed, only those who are free from sin themselves should be casting stones.

Did you know my mother almost got an abortion when she was pregnant with me? But she didn't. And I'm great. That's destiny. You would know about that if you had watched my Superbowl advertisement, Chadstein. Actually, I'm sure you did watch it. You certainly weren't too busy playing in the Superbowl to see it.

I was once your biggest fan. But that has sunken behind clouds of disappointment. If you continue to mess with me, I will pray harder than I have ever prayed before. And before you know it, Machine Gun Jesus will be coming for you.



Go in peace to love and serve your Lord and mine. Machine Gun Jesus Christ.

Sincerely,

Tim Tebow

A Note Regarding the Previous Post

You know somethin', Henne? I think this might just be my masterpiece.

Thursday -- Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week!

SHOOP DA WHOOP!



What was that sound you ask? Chad Henne's unfunny internet meme boner just got quoted by all your friends! Time to fire mah lazer as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week!!!

This Week:
Tim Tebow

Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Pro-life commercials, playing football at an incredibly overrated level

Rating:
0.5/5 unfunny internet meme boners
My judgment is he's not an NFL quarterback. I'll leave it at that.
Oh, and the 0.5 is because his girlfriend has huge boobs.


PS: Seriously Tebow, fuck off. Sincerely, Chad Motherfucking Henne.
PSS: You suck.

Tuesday -- Chad Henne Presents Ricky's Corner

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Do de doo de do

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the--

Oh, hey y'all, didn't see you there! Ricky Williams here.



So I guess as a way of saying thanks or whatever for basically saving the day against the RoboChad, my buddy Chad decided to let me have a Tuesday feature on his blog! Neat, huh? It's really great, because since I love this blog so much, now I get to be a part of it.

Damn, Ricky could use some hot wings right now. Or like some bacon or lunchmeat or something.

Anyway, I'll fight through my hungry right now to get this first Ricky's Corner entry to you. Each week, or day, or time I write, I'll go over a new issue that's really been bugging me, and see what you guys think. Any questions? No? Then it's time for this feature to wake and bake! I mean... get cooking.

An Issue That's Bugging Ricky Williams: Velociraptors



(Giggles) I don't really want to say what I'm going to talk about, cause it makes me nervous, but I have to say it to talk about it, so here it goes. What's up with velociraptors? They're so scary! One time, I was eating Cheetos, and watching that movie with velociraptors in it, and the one Asian or Spanish or whatever guy is all like "stay out of the tall grass", only they don't, and then they start disappearing, and that was because velociraptors were pulling them down into the tall grass, and I guess it probably seemed taller to them then, which is also scary, or at least intimidating, and a couple of them made it to the cabin, and that was good, but I bet they still had terrible memories of the velociraptors that haunt them to this day or something.

I hated that.

The Showdown: A Transcript

CHAD HENNE: Ricky! Ricky you son of a bitch, we need to talk!

RICKY WILLIAMS: Oh, hey there, Chadwick, what can I do you for, brotherman?

CH: Motherfucker, I know you hacked my e-mail account! I caught you redhanded!

RW: Why do they call it that? Redhanded. I mean, it sort of makes sense if it was like you killed a guy, but since you're talking about hacking, it's really just--

CH: Ricky!

RW: (Giggles)

CH: Oh Jesus, are you high right now?

RW: (Chuckles) What? I didn't hear you, I was having a sweet dream. Like sweet dreams.

CH: Ricky, I know about the RoboChad! I know everything! You sicced the thing on us, now how do we stop it?



ROBOCHAD: You don't know everything, Chad. Far from it. Now what are we going to do about this sticky little situation here?

CH: Ricky!

RC: Errick Williams Junior hacked your blog, this much is true, Chad Henne. But he had nothing to do with my inception. I am something greater. I am beyond.

RW: Whoa.

CH: What the fuck are you, you ass eating chodebot?

RC: I am you, Chad Henne. I am a better you. I am a part of your mind, and I am born of your soul. I am here to lead the Miami Dolphins to a Superbowl, to cook delicious Chad Henne's Steak and Potatoes, to fuck your hot Chad Henne fiancee, sore tonsils and all. And I am here to do it all without your doubts, your insecurities, your emotional barrier of profanity and homophobia.

CH: No. No, this can't be happening. You're nothing.

RC: I am everything, as long as the world wants me. And they do, Chad Henne. Your public needs a better you. Your public needs a me. You are obsolete.

CH: (Looks to ground, tears stinging his eyes like bees. With stingers.)

RW: I-- I don't think you're obeseawhatchit, Chadwick. I don't want a better Chad.

CH: (Looks up, the old fire back in his eyes like a building. That is on fire.)

RC: What are you doing Errick? Why would you want him when you know you could have me?

RW: Because he's real! He's a man, not just some pathetic delusional fantasy! Now Chad, you have to stop him now!

CH: ALL RIGHT ROBOFUCKER, LET'S GO! RIDDLE ME THIS, BITCHTITS: IS THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION "NO"?

RC: Yes. I mean, no. Yes. Yes. No. Yesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoyesno 0000001000000110000011100001111 ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!11!!1!!1!



(A long pause. Chad wipes the sweat of exertion, as well as some robo-detritus, from his stern brow. He looks off into the Miami sunset meaningfully.)

RW: I'm sorry I got jealous about the blog, man.

CH: It's OK, Ricky. You really had nothing to do with that RoboChad?

RW: I didn't, I swear to you Chad. All I know is there's a storm coming in. And when it gets here, we better be ready.

(Terminator music)
BUM BUM, BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM, BUM BUM BUM!

Chad Gets Hacked -- A Disturbing Discovery

Fartlickers:

OK, I think we've got this one figured out. It's in the fucking bag. I went back to my house, and do you know what I found? INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE!



That's right! A fucking DVD copy of Scent of a Woman in my goddamn DVD drive! I guaran-fucking-tee you that shit isn't mine. That movie sucks. Seems to me the perpetrator came over for hot wings, stealthily hacked my e-mail account out of blog envy, watched Scent of a Woman on my computer, and then FORGOT TO TAKE THE MOVIE WITH HIM.

You know what this means.



Ricky Williams must be stopped. He has to be--

What? What the fuck are you guys talking about? What? OUT WITH IT, CHAD-SPEAKS!

Another clue? A numerical clue? Like a Sudoku. You say I gave it to you? I have no idea what you're... oh. Oh no. Oh my god. I should have known.

THAT CLUE! THAT WASN'T ME! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! DIDN'T IT SEEM SUSPICIOUS TO YOU THAT THE FINAL CLUE WAS ON A METALLIC PLATE PROTRUDING FROM THAT GODDAMN DOPPELCHAD'S CHEST? DIDN'T IT? AND YOU SOLVED THE DAMN THING ANYWAY! YOU JUST HAD TO HAVE YOUR FUCKING PUZZLES, CHAD HENNE BE DAMNED! WELL I HAVE SOME FUCKING NEWS FOR YOU, BUTT TRUNCHEONS!

OK, deep breaths.

See, the truth is worse than I had ever imagined. That false Chad that you confused for me? It's not just a DoppelChad. It's a RoboChad. And since you retardedly punched in the input code on his chest Sudoku, his safety switch is off, and he's going to kill every person on this earth.

I'm the only one who can stop it. God save us all.

Chad Gets Hacked! -- A Final Clue

Hello everyone, Chad Henne here.



You all have done very well in decoding the clues I have presented you so far. It's not easy to solve a mystery of this caliber, but you have all responded admirably. I love each and every one of you.

There is one final clue, and then I think I will be able to say with certainty who the criminal was. Don't worry. I shall treat them with the kindness they are due.

Here is your clue.



What does it mean, you ask? Don't worry. All will become clear soon. Very soon.

Love,

Chad Henne

Chad Gets Hacked -- A Clue

Dick Devourers:

I forgot something on Tuesday about my database of suspects. I had spoken to each of them right before the web-jacking occurred! Yes! I'm going to capture this crooked fucker once and for all!

I have here the list of quotes. Hopefully together we can figure out the important details from these statements, and then, once we've done that, we can dknvidowje!

Wait, what's odiwji on?

OH FUCK, YOU CROOKED DJFDFJOEKNJS! JFDINW CHEATING!

Somebody has scrambled my fjdsfiodn of speech! I don't kdjfkld how, but it fdjkslfj happened! You need to flkdjfs me unscramble the quotes so wkej nknet figure jfiodn out! Click fkdj tkjeskjfoe enlarge!

KDLFJION! ZNOWPOI! ASKLJDFRE!

Tim Tebow:

Ricky Williams:

Nick Cannon: *actual Nick Cannon quote

Ray Lewis:



Chad Henne

Tzompnret by Ricky Williams

Chad Gets Hacked! -- A Clue

You aren't going to believe this. Shit, I don't believe it myself. But I think I've found another clue.

As I was attempting to deep search my penis flash drive, I found an old e-mail from Ricky. I'm sure there was something important it. But when I went to look at it, some jizz jockey had scrambled the whole thing up so I couldn't read it!

Again, no, I don't know why they didn't just delete it.

This dastardly deed must not go unpunished. I need your help once again. You have to find all the hidden words from the e-mail, and tell me what the e-mail was about. I remember a few of the things we talked about, so I gave you those as a starting point. BECAUSE I'M JUST ONE NICE MOTHERFUCKER.

(click to enlarge)


We are so close.

Chad Henne

Forwarded by Ricky Williams

Chad Gets Hacked! -- A Clue

Hey dicks, me again. I know you think I just said everything was fine, but see, the thing is, that Chad Henne from yesterday? That wasn't me. That was someone else. Or something. A doppelganger Chad. A doppelChad.

Shit's been getting really freaky lately. I've been laying low for a while. I shudder to think what might happen if that butt puppet doppelChad knew how close I was to cracking this mystery as wide open as the legs of a college student in Roethlisberger's apartment.

I digress.

I've been staying with Ricky until the heat dies down, but I snuck back into my house to retrieve my database of possible suspects, using my dick as a jump drive. But somebody had scrambled it all up!

Before you skeptical bastards even ask, no, I don't know why they didn't just delete. But I need your help to put it back together using a few facts I remember about each suspect.

(Click image to enlarge)


Clues:

1. The person who likes the film Pirates 2 isn't WildNOutGuy
2. The person who uses either the wrench or the revolver is Nick Cannon (fucking Nick Cannon)
3. ILoveLunchmeat34 is not Tim Tebow
4. Tim Tebow's favorite movie came out more recently than Ray Lewis'
5. The person whose favorite film is Pirates 2 is Nick Cannon
6. The dildo user isn't WildNOutGuy and is not Ricky Williams
7. The revolver aficionado is Jesus$ave$
8. Of Ray Lewis and the candlestick wielder, one is Jesus$ave$ and the other appreciates Scent of a Woman
9. The candlesticker's favorite film predates the wrencher's

Wow, I really fucking suck at remembering things.

Chad Henne

Forwarded by Ricky Williams

Chad Gets Hacked! -- A Message From Chad

Hey guys, Chad Henne here.



You totally won't even believe this good news I have for you. It looks like I got my e-mail account back! This is great! I guess there won't have to be any investigation into the hacking at all, because everything is just hunky dory.

That's my favorite David Bowie album. I like the way he dresses, because it's cute.

So yeah, I guess that's it. I'd like to thank all you guys for your support, and a special shout-out to Ricky Williams, who was very helpful in letting me use his computer for a while. And I want to say that I think Tim Tebow is a really great guy, and he's going to be an excellent QB someday, maybe even better than me!

Can't wait to play him.

Love, love, love,

Chad Henne

PS: Nothing is seriously wrong here.

Chad Gets Hacked! -- A Message From Chad

Listen up, ass blasters. Seriously, you guys are Ass Blaster 2: In Search of Spot. Because you blast so many asses.

I know what you've been thinking. "Doot de doot, where's Chad been lately? I have such a small dick, and without him around, I haven't had a boner in weeks!" Well I haven't been just sitting around jerkin' the gherkin like you nut shufflers. I've been doing detective work to find out WHO HACKED MY E-MAIL ACCOUNT!

I'm close. So close. But for once in my life, I need your help, Chad-SPEAKS. Over the past weeks, I have collected a series of clues in my investigations. But they are so cryptic! Whoever is behind this Internet-jacking, which is also what I call it when I look at porn, must be as clever as Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 2. Just 2, not the other ones. No matter! I need somebody who can help me decode these clues. I need you.

I'M SO CLOSE I CAN TASTE IT AND IT TASTES GOOD LIKE BEEF RAMEN!!! LET'S DO THIS FOR THE TEAM, FOR GOD, FOR COUNTRY, FOR JIMMY BUFFET!

Oh, and Ricky says hi.

Chad Henne

Forwarded by Ricky Williams

Week 8 -- A Supplemental Message from Chad

ATTENTION COCKSUCKERS:

I have news for you. News of a most disheartening and alarming nature! News that will make you shit out your heart and eat it! Terrible news!

I HAVE BEEN HACKED.

No, no, no, not hacked as in Ray Lewis wrecking my shit on an interception return. I have been hacked. My e-mail account. Has. Been. Hacked.

THAT CHAD HENNE ON SUNDAY WAS NOT ME! IT WAS A DIFFERENT CHAD HENNE! A hacker Chad Henne. A doppelganger.

As you know, I hate you very much. Did you really think I would say all those nice things about you? Apparently you did, since you were all touchy-feely-blowjobby on Monday. Well fuck yourself, Tonto! The real Chad is back! As soon as he figures out what his e-mail account's new password is, dickholes!

You know what? This hacking reeks of your bullshit, chad-SPEAKS. Did you do this? Did YOU do this? Is this funny to you? Let me tell you, I'm going to figure out who's behind these shenanigans, one way or another. And if I figure out that it was you all along, I will crush your face between my fucking asscheeks.

Do I make myself clear?

ARGGGGHHHH! GODDAMMIT!

Chad Henne

Forwarded by Ricky Williams

Monday Week 8 -- All About Chad

Chad, you and I have had our differences. We have, I suppose you might say, quarreled. But your last letter showed me something. It showed me that you and I, rivals or friends, are just people. We're all just passing through. Let's just live. I'm sorry if anything I've written in this blog ever offended you. But you and I, we're going to take a step into the future together. And the future starts today.



Readers, let me tell you some things you don't know about Chad.

1) Chad Henne is a very nice guy.

2) This week, Chad Henne's fiancee got her tonsils out, and he's really treated her great all week. Ice cream and cold drinks and cuddling, oh my!

3) Chad Henne is very excited to have Richie Incognito on the Dolphins, but then, he welcomes all players like they are his own family.

4) The other day, Chad rescued a kitten from a tree, and laughed with glee when it lovingly licked his face in gratitude.

5) Chad Henne tips 25% in restaurants, because he believes in the importance of the working man in our society.

Thanks Chad. For everything.

Monday Week 8 -- A Message From Chad

Hey guys,

First off, I want you to know that I saw what you did with the day titles from last week, and actually, they didn't even make me mad! I thought they were totally cute! Also, I saw that you didn't post any entries last weekend, and you caught up in a mad rush this morning. No big deal! Sometimes people just get busy!

Actually, I just really wanted to thank you for making this blog. It's awesome, and you make me seem really cool in it. I feel like my fanbase has increased 4-fold (Ed: "by 4 people" is what he probably meant to say)!

Oh. And also sometimes I beat off to the sexy lady pictures. I just want to level with you.

You've done some good things lately though, and I mean that sincerely. You made the actual content area of the blog larger, which is good, started embedding videos, which is great (porn plz! lol, jk!), and I'm really excited to see what innovations come next from the team over at Chad-SPEAKS.

I'm on your side, guys. Always remember that.

Love,
Chad Henne

Unbirthday Week 7 -- Wonderlic, Inc, in Association with Chad Henne, Presents Chad Henne's Unreleased Wonderlic Answers!

This is going to be the last installment of popular (1/1 readers lurve it!) Chad-SPEAKS feature "Wonderlic, Inc, in Association with Chad Henne, Presents Chad Henne's Unreleased Wonderlic Answers!" It was a good run, but I feel it's time to move onto better and ultimately more disturbing things. So sit back, relax, and EDUCATE YOURSELF.

6. One of the number figures in the following drawing is most different from the others.
What is the number in that figure? _________

Chad's Response: Don't patronize me. The answer is 6.

Grade: 0.5/1 While your answer is now vaguely correct, you obviously just drew that in. Seriously, who does shit like this?

15. A boy is 17 years old and his sister is twice as old. When the boy is 23 what will be the age
of his sister? ___________

Chad's Response: You continue to waste my time with these rudimentary math type questions. This one's especially easy, since I am forced to determine if chicks are old enough for me to bang ON A REGULAR BASIS! In this case, I'm not even going to bother, because this bitch is too old to fuck. I don't hit chicks over 40.

Grade: 0.5/1 I think you're confusing greater than with greater than or equal to.