It's the Circle of Life, Chad Henne

Ghostly Visage of Dan Marino: Hello, my child.

Chad Henne: Dan Marino! I knew you'd come! I just knew you'd come! I trekked for days and days and turned into a lion to find you!

GVDM: Indeed, a wise choice, for in terms of their mighty cocks, lions are truly the kings of the jungle.

CH: That's what I told Ricky. He wasn't buying it.

GVDM: Ah, how is dear old Errick?

CH: Well actually, ghostly visage of Dan Marino, that's not why I came to see you. I'm not just here to catch up and shoot the breeze.

GVDM: Then what is it, my son?

CH: Well Dan Marino, when we threw our big 50th blogiversary party--

GVDM: I remember it well! I drank sweet nectar from the nipples of a Bulgarian prostitute long into the night! Sweet party, young one.

CH: Fuck, I know, that's what I said! But anyway, it really pissed off Jesus. He came with a machine gun, and now the rapture is pretty much imminently due to start. I mean, it's been imminently due to start for almost a month now. We're pretty F-ed in the B.H.

GVDM: Oh young one.

CH: What, Dan?

GVDM: Think. Look into your inner soul. If Machine Gun Jesus wanted to punish us all for our assorted sins, such as snorting a line of cocaine off your vanity--

CH: So that was you!

GVDM: As a floating head, yes, the sweet white lightning is one of the few pleasures left to me. But if Jesus wanted to punish us, why has he not done it yet? You must learn not to trust your eyes, Chad Henne, but your heart. Perhaps consider using your penis as a dowsing rod. It has surprising efficacy, especially when it becomes necessary to find truffles.

CH: Hm. That makes sense, I think. Hey, did you know the GM thinks I may be the best QB in franchise history? Any of the Miami media outlets let that one slip over your way?

GVDM (fading slowly into the sunset): Hm? What was that?

CH: I said--

GVDM: It's the circle of life, Chad Henne!

GVDM: The circle of life!

GVDM: The circle of life! Also, fuck you, you fucking upstart.

CH: What was that?

GVDM: [vanishes]

CH: Shit. What do I do now? I'm still a fucking lion.

A Moment of Frank Self-Reflection from Tim Tebow

Chadston? You there, buddy? It's me, Tim Tebow.



What? The strange outfit? Oh, I was just watching Jesus Christ Superstar to prepare myself for the rapture, and I saw some guys dressed like this, and I figured, well, what the hey? I want to fit in when I get to heaven, so I better look the part.

Anyhoo, Chadzilla, buddy, I was gonna frankly self-reflect just like you, you know, just to show there's no hard feelings. I had nothing to do with this Machine Gun Jesus thing, man, it was just bad timing for you, seeing as how you're a sinner and all. I wasn't trying to get back at you for that picture of me holding the dirty stick. That wouldn't be very Christian of me, Machine Gun or otherwise.

So like I said, I was all set to self-reflect, but then I realized that I have lived a completely pure, blameless life! Crazy, right? But it's true! So I don't really have anything to get off my chest. I guess I just wanted to say hi.

But I gotta go, Chadenstein. Like I said, I'm packing for the rapture, and I gotta get my stuff in order. And I gotta make sure I go to the bathroom before we leave on the heaven bus. Mama Tebow says that if you have to pee, the Machine Gun Angels make you do it in a jar! Wow!

Don't I just ramble on sometimes, Chadburger? Enjoy staying on Earth for the final judgment of humanity! You'll have to tell me how it goes. The Machine Gun Lord be with you.

Love,
Tim Tebow

A Moment of Frank Self-Reflection from Chad Henne

Oh readers. Oh my dear, dear readers. I guess the end is coming after all. This reminds me of the time I killed my lover with my giant penis and then sat alone in my room with no lights on for two weeks, listening to Brick, by Ben Folds. BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS.



I'm pretty sure that was an appropriate song to listen to. I mean, it seemed sad, so whatever.

ANYWAY. I digress. I've been trying to call people I care about and talk about our impending doom, but every time somebody picks up, I just start crying until they assume it's a prank call and hang up. That's right, fuckholes, Chad Henne cries too. He cries but good. Because he cares.

So since I can't call any of you poop snorters, I want to at least tell the world something over this blog. It's the least you interbloggers can do, since you've spent the last several months fucking up my business online.

Here goes.

I love you. All of you. I want to thank you all for being so good to me, for rooting for me as the Miami Dolphins' quarterback of the future, for, if you are a lady, fellating me. It's been one of hell of a ride, and I'm sad to see it end this way. As a result of Machine Gun Christianity.

I guess there's only one person left to go see now. Wish me luck.

A Message from Machine Gun Jesus

Chad Henne, Chad's friends and teammates, creator of this blog, I have a message for all of you. And the rest of the world. The Rapture is real. And it is starting today.



I was not planning on heralding the final judgment of man so soon, or indeed, planning on making such an announcement on a blogspot site, but your past week of wallowing in sinful smut has convinced my father, Machine Gun God. I hope you all enjoyed luscious lady week, because those may be the last luscious ladies you see for the rest of eternity. And that 50th blogiversary party sure looked like fun! Too bad you didn't have any room for the holy spirit at your little shindig.

To those of you who are pure of heart, the true believers, in about a week's time, depending on how crazy traffic is this Memorial Day weekend, shall be ushered up to heaven, where you shall live in harmony. The rest of you sinners--and you know who you are--shall remain on Earth, and prepare to face the final machine gun judgment.

I hope I have made myself abundantly clear.

Best,
Machine Gun Jesus

SPECIAL 50TH BLOGIVERSARY CELEBRATION!

Readers, Chad-SPEAKS has officially reached 50 posts. I couldn't have done it without me! But now, you all know what that means. TIME TO BLOW THE MOTHERFUCKING ROOF OFF THE MOTHERFUCKER! 50TH BLOGIVERSARY PARTY, WOO!!!

GRAB YOUR NOISEMAKERS!



GRAB YOUR LIGHT BEER!



GRAB YOUR CLAMATO!



GRAB YOUR VIALS OF COCAINE!



GRAB YOUR VAN PIMPED TO LOOK LIKE THE MYSTERY MACHINE!



GRAB YOUR BATHING CHIMPANZEE!



GRAB YOUR PROSTITUTES!



GRAB YOUR UGLI FRUIT!



GRAB YOUR TOM CRUISE'S KID!



GRAB ALL OF THESE THINGS, BECAUSE WE ARE PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS! WE ARE GOING TO FUCKING PARTY LIKE THIS IS THE LAST PARTY ON THE MOTHERFUCKING PLANET!

And it will be. Until the 100th blogiversary, that is.

Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week -- Day 5

PLOP, PLOP, FIZZ, FIZZ!



What was that sound, you ask? Chad Henne's Alka Seltzer boner is curing your morning hangover! Get ready for a little bit of the old Fizzy-Good Make-Feel-Nice (wink) as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!!

Today:
Helen of Troy

Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Sparta, Troy

Rating:
0/5 Alka Seltzer boners

Readers, Chad Henne here. Now, I thought I would do something special for the last entry of Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week, not so much because I respect you in any way, but because I need some primo Chad spankbank material to tide me over until the next Luscious Lady. And I had been hearing a lot of buzz about this Helen bimbo, like on that fucker Trebek's show, WHICH IS CLEARLY RIGGED BECAUSE I'VE NEVER WON IT, but come on, look at that damn picture. Ugh. She's complaining IN THE PICTURE! And it's a goddamn picture, a static image, AND YET IT SOMEHOW CAPTURES SUCH A REPUGNANT REPRESENTATION OF A BITCH STEPPING OUT OF LINE THAT MY MIGHTY MAN MAST HAS ALL BUT WILTED AND DIED LIKE A SAD LITTLE---



Hang on, what's this? This must be the real Helen of Troy! From the movie Troy, you say? I don't care, this is the one that matters! I would revise my previous rating except I DON'T BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES! Still, take comfort in knowing, Helen, that my Lunchables Supreme salutes you. My WMD is fully armed once more. Readers, I think we've learned something valuable today. And that is that Ancient Greece can go fuck itself, and Hollywood is where the truly great literature comes from. USA! USA! USA! USA!

Chad Henne Presents "Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week" Week -- Day 4

WOP BAM A LOO WOP A WAM BAM BOOM!



What was that sound, you ask? Chad Henne's Tutti Frutti boner is getting all rooty (wikipedia it, trust me)! Rock to the east--AFC East, that is--as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the DAY!!!

Today:
Shandi Finnessey

Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Miss America, Co-Hosting GSN's "Lingo"

Rating:
4.5/5 Tutti Frutti boners

Readers, Chad Henne here. Today I had a momentary crisis. Is it sexist of me to post pictures on my blog of women I have intercoursed between 2 and 3 times, inclusive, and then rate them on some arbitrary scale based on my erect penis? Is it chauvinistic? Does it set back the cause of feminism, a cause I readily embrace because females have boobs? I was really stuck in a rut, and not in the sense I usually mean when I use the term stuck in a rut, which is that I was having some sex. Luckily, later on in the evening I looked at porn for a few hours, and decided that what I do is important. American. CHADTACULAR! I was spiritually ready to continue writing my blog entry for the day.

But I digress. HAHAHA, WHEW, WHERE WAS I? Sounded like I was sharing my innermost feelings with you, and everybody knows that's gay. HAHAHA!

Anyway, Shandi is undeniably the most bangable game show co-hostess since Vanna White. You may ask, Chad, isn't that an odd niche to fill? Well thanks for asking, but it was actually a lovely niche, and yes, I did fill it, you horny bastards. She loses 0.5 Tutti Frutti boners for no good reason, just so I can keep you shit-shovelers on your toes.