It's the Circle of Life, Chad Henne

Ghostly Visage of Dan Marino: Hello, my child.

Chad Henne: Dan Marino! I knew you'd come! I just knew you'd come! I trekked for days and days and turned into a lion to find you!

GVDM: Indeed, a wise choice, for in terms of their mighty cocks, lions are truly the kings of the jungle.

CH: That's what I told Ricky. He wasn't buying it.

GVDM: Ah, how is dear old Errick?

CH: Well actually, ghostly visage of Dan Marino, that's not why I came to see you. I'm not just here to catch up and shoot the breeze.

GVDM: Then what is it, my son?

CH: Well Dan Marino, when we threw our big 50th blogiversary party--

GVDM: I remember it well! I drank sweet nectar from the nipples of a Bulgarian prostitute long into the night! Sweet party, young one.

CH: Fuck, I know, that's what I said! But anyway, it really pissed off Jesus. He came with a machine gun, and now the rapture is pretty much imminently due to start. I mean, it's been imminently due to start for almost a month now. We're pretty F-ed in the B.H.

GVDM: Oh young one.

CH: What, Dan?

GVDM: Think. Look into your inner soul. If Machine Gun Jesus wanted to punish us all for our assorted sins, such as snorting a line of cocaine off your vanity--

CH: So that was you!

GVDM: As a floating head, yes, the sweet white lightning is one of the few pleasures left to me. But if Jesus wanted to punish us, why has he not done it yet? You must learn not to trust your eyes, Chad Henne, but your heart. Perhaps consider using your penis as a dowsing rod. It has surprising efficacy, especially when it becomes necessary to find truffles.

CH: Hm. That makes sense, I think. Hey, did you know the GM thinks I may be the best QB in franchise history? Any of the Miami media outlets let that one slip over your way?

GVDM (fading slowly into the sunset): Hm? What was that?

CH: I said--

GVDM: It's the circle of life, Chad Henne!

GVDM: The circle of life!

GVDM: The circle of life! Also, fuck you, you fucking upstart.

CH: What was that?

GVDM: [vanishes]

CH: Shit. What do I do now? I'm still a fucking lion.

A Moment of Frank Self-Reflection from Tim Tebow

Chadston? You there, buddy? It's me, Tim Tebow.



What? The strange outfit? Oh, I was just watching Jesus Christ Superstar to prepare myself for the rapture, and I saw some guys dressed like this, and I figured, well, what the hey? I want to fit in when I get to heaven, so I better look the part.

Anyhoo, Chadzilla, buddy, I was gonna frankly self-reflect just like you, you know, just to show there's no hard feelings. I had nothing to do with this Machine Gun Jesus thing, man, it was just bad timing for you, seeing as how you're a sinner and all. I wasn't trying to get back at you for that picture of me holding the dirty stick. That wouldn't be very Christian of me, Machine Gun or otherwise.

So like I said, I was all set to self-reflect, but then I realized that I have lived a completely pure, blameless life! Crazy, right? But it's true! So I don't really have anything to get off my chest. I guess I just wanted to say hi.

But I gotta go, Chadenstein. Like I said, I'm packing for the rapture, and I gotta get my stuff in order. And I gotta make sure I go to the bathroom before we leave on the heaven bus. Mama Tebow says that if you have to pee, the Machine Gun Angels make you do it in a jar! Wow!

Don't I just ramble on sometimes, Chadburger? Enjoy staying on Earth for the final judgment of humanity! You'll have to tell me how it goes. The Machine Gun Lord be with you.

Love,
Tim Tebow