Week 8 -- A Supplemental Message from Chad

ATTENTION COCKSUCKERS:

I have news for you. News of a most disheartening and alarming nature! News that will make you shit out your heart and eat it! Terrible news!

I HAVE BEEN HACKED.

No, no, no, not hacked as in Ray Lewis wrecking my shit on an interception return. I have been hacked. My e-mail account. Has. Been. Hacked.

THAT CHAD HENNE ON SUNDAY WAS NOT ME! IT WAS A DIFFERENT CHAD HENNE! A hacker Chad Henne. A doppelganger.

As you know, I hate you very much. Did you really think I would say all those nice things about you? Apparently you did, since you were all touchy-feely-blowjobby on Monday. Well fuck yourself, Tonto! The real Chad is back! As soon as he figures out what his e-mail account's new password is, dickholes!

You know what? This hacking reeks of your bullshit, chad-SPEAKS. Did you do this? Did YOU do this? Is this funny to you? Let me tell you, I'm going to figure out who's behind these shenanigans, one way or another. And if I figure out that it was you all along, I will crush your face between my fucking asscheeks.

Do I make myself clear?

ARGGGGHHHH! GODDAMMIT!

Chad Henne

Forwarded by Ricky Williams

Monday Week 8 -- All About Chad

Chad, you and I have had our differences. We have, I suppose you might say, quarreled. But your last letter showed me something. It showed me that you and I, rivals or friends, are just people. We're all just passing through. Let's just live. I'm sorry if anything I've written in this blog ever offended you. But you and I, we're going to take a step into the future together. And the future starts today.



Readers, let me tell you some things you don't know about Chad.

1) Chad Henne is a very nice guy.

2) This week, Chad Henne's fiancee got her tonsils out, and he's really treated her great all week. Ice cream and cold drinks and cuddling, oh my!

3) Chad Henne is very excited to have Richie Incognito on the Dolphins, but then, he welcomes all players like they are his own family.

4) The other day, Chad rescued a kitten from a tree, and laughed with glee when it lovingly licked his face in gratitude.

5) Chad Henne tips 25% in restaurants, because he believes in the importance of the working man in our society.

Thanks Chad. For everything.

Monday Week 8 -- A Message From Chad

Hey guys,

First off, I want you to know that I saw what you did with the day titles from last week, and actually, they didn't even make me mad! I thought they were totally cute! Also, I saw that you didn't post any entries last weekend, and you caught up in a mad rush this morning. No big deal! Sometimes people just get busy!

Actually, I just really wanted to thank you for making this blog. It's awesome, and you make me seem really cool in it. I feel like my fanbase has increased 4-fold (Ed: "by 4 people" is what he probably meant to say)!

Oh. And also sometimes I beat off to the sexy lady pictures. I just want to level with you.

You've done some good things lately though, and I mean that sincerely. You made the actual content area of the blog larger, which is good, started embedding videos, which is great (porn plz! lol, jk!), and I'm really excited to see what innovations come next from the team over at Chad-SPEAKS.

I'm on your side, guys. Always remember that.

Love,
Chad Henne

Unbirthday Week 7 -- Wonderlic, Inc, in Association with Chad Henne, Presents Chad Henne's Unreleased Wonderlic Answers!

This is going to be the last installment of popular (1/1 readers lurve it!) Chad-SPEAKS feature "Wonderlic, Inc, in Association with Chad Henne, Presents Chad Henne's Unreleased Wonderlic Answers!" It was a good run, but I feel it's time to move onto better and ultimately more disturbing things. So sit back, relax, and EDUCATE YOURSELF.

6. One of the number figures in the following drawing is most different from the others.
What is the number in that figure? _________

Chad's Response: Don't patronize me. The answer is 6.

Grade: 0.5/1 While your answer is now vaguely correct, you obviously just drew that in. Seriously, who does shit like this?

15. A boy is 17 years old and his sister is twice as old. When the boy is 23 what will be the age
of his sister? ___________

Chad's Response: You continue to waste my time with these rudimentary math type questions. This one's especially easy, since I am forced to determine if chicks are old enough for me to bang ON A REGULAR BASIS! In this case, I'm not even going to bother, because this bitch is too old to fuck. I don't hit chicks over 40.

Grade: 0.5/1 I think you're confusing greater than with greater than or equal to.

Sandra Day O'Connor Week 7 -- Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week!!!

BOING!



What was that sound you ask? Chad Henne's Microsoft Hearts Network queen of spades dick just got dumped on the second trick! Time to pathetically try to shoot the moon as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week!!!

This Week:
Keira Knightley

Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Pirates of the Carribbean, Atonement

Rating:
4/5 Microsoft Hearts Network queen of spades dick
OK, let's get something out of the way to begin with: Chad Henne's childhood sweetheart Keira Knightley is almost unreasonably hot. She somehow makes an English accent sexy, and she's the second highest paid actress in Hollywood. This can allow Chad to fulfill his wish of being a stay-at-home dad who only speaks Esperanto with his children! And speaking of children, finally, one of these sexy ladies who isn't married. Sure, she's romantically involved with some dick, but he's named Rupert, so he's obviously a pussy. Pussies who get in the way of what Chad wants have a nasty habit of turning up dead. Cause of death: feet stuck up their asses. HOWEVER THERE IS SOMETHING THAT HAS RAISED CHAD'S PIQUE! For all of her hotness, Keira Knightley does not have big old boobs! ARRRGGGGHHHHHH! Chad likes his ladies like he likes his chocolate pudding: thick. And brown, but that's another story all together.

Day of the Dead Week 7 -- What's on Chad's iPod?

Brand spanking new on Chad-SPEAKS! Embedding Youtube stuff! Woo!

The song: Lightning Crashes by Live

What it means to Chad: To a naive fool, this song seems like it might be about the earth-shaking majesty of seeing your child for the first time. However, I am not a naive fool. I AM CHAD HENNE, purveyor of penisings*! Listen up. I have a story for you. Once, there was a young boy, who thought he was truly in love with his high school sweetheart. He even thought he might ask her to marry him! So one day, they both got into the boy's station wagon and drove up to a cliff, because cliffs are romantic, goddammit. Except as they were driving, and the young boy's boner was growing, a storm began to brew. By the time the boy had worked up the courage to propose to the girl, the storm was in full force. He grasped her hands, and just as he opened his mouth to speak, a bolt of lightning wracked their bodies with an ecstacy of pain. The girl fell to the ground, and the boy was fine, and still had a boner, which he used to resuscitate her. She arose in awe, scared of this seemingly immortal boy, and realized she could never love him because she could never truly understand him. Sad, right? Well let me tell you something: that boy was me. Chad Henne. And that girl may or may not have been Keira Knightly. And that's what love is like when you're Chad Henne.

*times when I bang you

Frabjous Day Week 7 -- Things I Make While Thinking About Chad

MS Paint never ceases to surprise and delight! This week, it started weirdly bleeding the color out of Chad's copy/paste face. At first I thought that was a problem, but then I decided to go with it. And the results are high art.



Saddam loves Chad Henne!

Febtober Week 7 -- All About Chad

So, looks like this week is off to a good start. Yes. Nothing wrong here at all, nothing for Chad to be angry about.



In recent Chad Henne related news, the Dolphins continue to fail to get anything resembling a No. 1 wideout. This means all of you fantasy Chad Henne owners should be excited, because being forced to throw to himself should really improve Chad's already excellent fantasy numbers.

Anyway, let me tell you some things you don't know about Chad.

1) A Terminator was once sent back in time to kill Chad Henne, only to make the disturbing realization that Chad was actually sent back in time to kill the Terminator. He wept at the cruelty of fate just before Chad punched his head off.

2) Contrary to popular myth, only Chad Henne can prevent forest fires. You haven't got a shot in the world.

3) Yes, Sheryl Crow: Chad Henne is strong enough to be your man.

4) Chad Henne got peanut butter in your chocolate. He then took a shit in it. Now stop being a bitch and eat up.

5) Though he has developed a contingency plan to kill any member of the Justice League, Batman has yet to determine a plan of action if Chad Henne goes rogue, save for shitting his pants.

Sunday Week 6 -- A Message From Chad

Dear Cum Dumpsters,

I'm on to you. Cut the shit. Don't even pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about, because I know you know what I'm talking about, lube licker. I can see it in your eyes, despite their being covered by a thin film of semen.

Oh no? No? You have no idea? Yeah, right, fuck you and the dick you rode in on, cowgirl!

For example, go back to the sexy lady blog entry from this week. Yeah. Just give that a try. What do you see? Oh what? It says Thursday Week 6, does it? BUT THE ENTRY WAS POSTED ON FRIDAY! YOU ARE LYING! AND EVERYBODY KNOWS SEXY LADY DAY IS THURSDAY!

I was disturbed to find that you have been doing this for several days. What the fuck, guys? And then I started wondering: what if I was wrong? What if you had been lying from the start and--now hold on to your butts--YOU HAD ONLY JUST RECENTLY STARTED TELLING THE TRUTH? What if everything I ever knew about the concept of days was WRONG?

I was then launched into an existential haze for the rest of the week. I shit in my computer chair a few times. I was confused, and I felt alone.

I believe I have previously established that I hate your guts, and indeed, would like to punch you directly in the penis until you have a uterus. This is fact. I despise this blog, and whatever the hell team of writers is responsible for it should die in a nest of fire ants.

But now. NOW YOU ARE JUST DELIBERATELY FUCKING WITH CHAD. AND CHAD DOESN'T LIKE IT! If you don't cut out the funny business, I will stab your kidneys qua Keanu Reeves stabbing that bus' gas tank in Speed. Your fluids will slowly dribble onto the highway. And you won't like it.

Best wishes,

Chad Henne

Friday Week 6 -- Wonderlic, Inc, in Association with Chad Henne, Presents Chad Henne's Unreleased Wonderlic Answers!

17. A train travels 20 feet in 1/5 seconds At this exact speed, how many feet will it travel in three seconds?

Chad's Response: More math! WOO! Hook 'em Wolverines, I'm in the zone, bitches! Okay, 1/5 seconds is, conveniently, exactly the amount of time it takes for my meat stick to blow 20 ladies' minds. So let's see. I can conveniently represent each lady boned as a foot of travel. Soooooo, in 3 seconds, I could make.... carry the massive Chad Henne dick.... divide by e.... 300 ladies, YEE HAW!!!

Grade: 1/1 I'm not sure how, but that was actually right.

50. Assume the first 2 statements are true. Is the final one:
Ben greeted Beth. Beth greeted Bob. Ben did not greet Bob.

Chad's Response: Now grader, I'm sure you're familiar with my insistence that, in any piece of literature, one must first establish the reliability of the narrator. Can the account be trusted? Is there bias inherent in the character's presentation of the facts? This question is obviously testing that concept. For example, I was there for this little meet and greet party that you people somehow heard about. Beth, Ben, and Bob are good friends of mine, and we were all set to have a little dinner and sex party, I admit. Now, Beth and I used to fuck regularly. You have to understand this, I think. I was feeling a little weird about seeing her again, so I drank 5 entire bottles of Jagermeister. All I remember was that we all had a good time except Bob, who frankly is a real stick in the mud, and also that I put my stick in some mud, if you know what I'm saying. I'm going to have to go, therefore, with 3: not certain. Because I have no idea what the hell went on that night.

Grade: 0/1 You cannot possibly have expected me to read all of that.

Thursday Week 6 -- Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week!!!

CHOO CHOO!



What was that sound you ask? Chad Henne's dick train just pulled into the station! All aboard as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week!!!

This Week:
Sasha Grey

Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
The Girlfriend Experience, LOTSA PORNOS!

Rating:
5/5 Dick Trains
Chad first became familiar with Sasha Grey when he saw Steven Soderbergh's recent independent film about a high priced call girl, The Girlfriend Experience. He thought that she brought a surprising amount of nuance to the role, and her disaffected delivery was just the thing the film needed. HAHAHHAHAHA! Just kidding! Chad really saw her in a bunch of pornos! WOOOOOOO! She goes all the way, baby, and Chaddy likey! Finally, we have our first 5/5 rated luscious lady of the week. Returning to the issue at hand, Chad is hoping to cast Miss Grey in his new Disney sports movie porn parody, Remember the Titties, in the role of "Somebody who bangs Chad Henne". No spoilers here, but let me at least tell you one thing: in this movie, everybody wins.

Wednesday Week 6 -- What's on Chad's iPod?

Chad Henne's penis is large enough to extend through several area codes. This week's song in "What's on Chad's iPod?" is nearly as long.



The Song:
Bagpipes from Baghdad by Eminem

The Lyrics:

Aaahhhh…
Oh, it's music to my ears… oh man!
How can I describe the way I feel? Fucking great man!
Ok, let me see…
How can I begin?

VERSE 1:

Locked in Mariah's wine cellar all I had for lunch
Was red wine, more red wine and captain crunch
Red wine for breakfast and for brunch
And to soak it up an in-between snack crackers to munch
Mariah what ever happened to us?
Why did we have to break up?
All I asked for was a glass of punch
You see I never really asked for much I can't imagine what's
Goin through your mind after such
A nasty break-up with that Latin hunk
Louis Miguel, Nick Cannon better back the fuck up
I'm not playin’ I want her back you punk
This is Hello Kitty bedspread satin funk
Mixed with Egyptian with the little rappin punk
Zappin Eric Clapton Shaq brings out da crunk
And yeah baby, I want another crack at ya
You can beat me with any spatula that you want
I mean I really want ya bad ya cunt
Nick you had your fun
I've come to kick ya in your sack of junk
Man I could use a fresh batch of blood
So prepare your vernacular for Dracular acupuncture

CHORUS:

Bagpipes from baghdad
When will it ever cease
For Pete's sakes she's crazy to say the least
Bagpipes from baghdad
What's goin through my mind
Half the time when I rhyme we're blowin up like
Bagpipes from baghdad
Someone turn the vacancy sign on
Cause i'm gone, blowing up like
Bagpipes from baghdad
I run the streets and mack
Like a madman holdin a glad bag

VERSE 2:

You can be a permanent fixture in my lyrical mixture
I'm the miracle whip, a trickster
My sig-nature sound when a tube of lipstick's around
I'm bound to put it on in an instant wow man
What an ensemble, what an assortment of PHARMA-
Ceuticals this beautiful pill does to my palma
Cuticles get residue just from touchin the bottle
Never knew I could remind me so much of my momma
I'll cut ya like Dahmer, pull the butcher knife on ya
The size of a sword boy i'm like the fuckin ruts on ya
Get it stuck in your cornea, nice knowin ya Norman
Your so fuckin annoyin, drop the shovel boy
You don't know what the fuck your doin
I ain't playin no fuckin more
Nick Cannon you prick I wish you luck with the fuckin whore
Every minute there's a sucker born, snuck up on
Maliki made the motherfucker suck on a shuck of corn
Shuck of, shucka corn, shucka corn
Hit Jason in the face with a hockey puck and tell em it's fuckin on
Man what the fuck are ya doin
You're runnin over the snowblower with the lawnmower
Blowin your bagpipes from baghdad

CHORUS
Bagpipes from baghdad
When will it ever cease
For Pete's sakes she's crazy to say the least
Bagpipes from baghdad
What's goin through my mind
Half the time when I rhyme we're blowin up like
Bagpipes from baghdad
Someone turn the vacancy sign on
Cause i'm gone, blowing up like
Bagpipes from baghdad
I run the streets and mack
Like a madman holdin a glad bag

VERSE 3:

In the bed with two brain dead lesbian vegetables
I bet you they become heterosexual
Nothing will stop me from molestin’ you
Titty-fuckin’ you til’ your breast nipple flesh tickles my testicles
Is what they said to the two conjoined twins
How's it going girlfriends, you need a boyfriend
You need some ointment, just set up an appointment
Who's gonna see the doctor first, we'll do a coin flip
I just got my one-year sobriety coin chip
When the bad get goin, how bad does the going get
Baby you shouldn't have any trouble rubbin groins wit
Each other especially when you're joined at the hip
I'm going to get the needle and thread from the sewing kit
An attempt to separate 'em and stitch 'em back at the loin shit
Lure the little boy with the chocolate chips ahoy! chip-
Cookie lookie even took me a polaroid

CHORUS
Bagpipes from baghdad
When will it ever cease
For Pete's sakes she's crazy to say the least
Bagpipes from baghdad
What's goin through my mind
Half the time when I rhyme we're blowin up like
Bagpipes from baghdad
Someone turn the vacancy sign on
Cause i'm gone, blowing up like
Bagpipes from baghdad
I run the streets and mack
Like a madman holdin a glad bag

OUTRO:

Hghum-day-li-laaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aa-aah-aah x4

What it means to Chad:
It is widely believed that Eminem and Mariah Carey had a brief and tumultuous relationship that ultimately culminated in Carey dating Nick Cannon, a retarded man-child who can best be described in two words: wild, out. But this is all bullshit! This supposed kiss-off song was not written about Eminem and Mariah Carey! It was written about me, the great Chad Henne, and Mariah Carey! ARGGHHH CANNON YOU FILTHY MARIAH CAREY STEALING SLUT!
Let me tell you a story, readers. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, talented singer named Mariah. She was just becoming popular, and was touring through Pennsylvania, where she met a 12 year old boy who gazed into her ocular cavities with a mix of awe and lust. She returned his gaze, despite its ferocity. Backstage after the show, Mariah and the young boy fucked like wild bears riding wild horses for 13 hours straight (and 2 hours gay), listening to Seal's Kiss From a Rose on loop. They parted, promising each other that they would one day be reunited after the tour and live together, growing in love's undying sun. AND NOW SHE'S WITH THAT COCK NICK CANNON. Well let me tell you a secret, faithful readers. That little 12 year old boy was me. Chad Motherfucking Henne. Quarterback, Thoreau scholar, lover. When Mariah left me drowning in the river I was crying her, she chose a direction at one of the many crossroads of life, affecting both me and her. And I think we know who came out the better, bitch.

Tuesday Week 6 -- Things I Make While Thinking About Chad

This is definitely a thing. And I definitely made it while thinking about Chad. Other than that, I'm not sure why it should ever be seen by anyone, blog or no.



Chad reminds me of the babe! What babe?
The babe with the power! What power?
The power of voodoo! Who do?
Chad do! Do what?
Remind me of the babe!

Monday Week 6 -- All About Chad

I probably should have seen this coming, Chad. We've had a rocky working relationship in the past. And you're a huge dick. I should have seen this betrayal coming.



No matter. I can be the bigger man. Not penis-wise, for that is obviously impossible when discussing Chad Henne's robodick, but morally.

Let me tell you some things you don't know about Chad.

1) Chad Henne once ejaculated for 5 hours straight. When he was done, the water level of Lake Erie had gone down several feet.

2) When bored, Chad Henne swings through the trees of the Amazon rainforest on his prehensile penis and kills jaguars by flexing them in his abs.

3) Upon hearing the news of his signing, Chad Henne gave Karlos Dansby a jubilant high five. The whereabouts of Dansby's arm remain unknown.

4) Chad Henne likes his coffee like he likes his women: black, and with double-D tits.

5) Chad Henne graduated from the School of Hard Knocks with a Punching major. He minored in butt fucking.

Sunday Week 5 -- A Message From Chad

Cock-knockers:

I regret my recent message to you. While I am glad you have recommenced your shitlicking attempt at blogging about my life, I have many grievances left regarding your site. I WILL NOW AIR MY GRIEVANCES FOR ALL TO HEAR!

1) Why have there been no pictures lately? Nobody reads anymore! Reading is for homeless people sleeping with newspapers on their faces and single Eskimos! GIVE ME MORE SEXY LADY PICTURES! I have seen sexy lady pictures on this blog. I know they exist. I want more, you batch of butt spelunkers.

2) Why is this site used to spread possibly untrue stories about me and not to air my views on important issues? What the hell? Fuck Tim Tebow, I have important abortion shit to say too! I care about the environment, and also the blackness of our current president, which is blacker than usual! I deserve to be heard, not caricatured.

3) You can't even call this shit a caricature! It has no basis in fact! There is no reference at all to me as a person, let alone some feature that is exaggerated. THIS IS VERY POOR SATIRE INDEED!

4) THIS BLOG SUCKS SO MUCH I WANT TO TAKE A PISS ON IT AND THEN EAT IT AND THEN SHIT IT OUT AND THEN--

I'm too angry to continue. So angry. SO ANGRY! I need to go bang my hot Chad Henne wife, then I will consider continuing this correspondence with you pimple faced chode loaders!

I hope you get herpes and die,

Chad Henne

Friday Week 5 - Wonderlic, Inc, in Association with Chad Henne, Presents Chad Henne's Unreleased Wonderlic Answers!

1. Look at the row of numbers below. What number should come next?

8

4

2

1

½

¼

?

Chad's Response: Finally, a chance to display my not inconsiderable mathematical skills. This appears to be a sort of geometric expansion, so... carry the 5... use the formula for convergence... determine constant a.... THE ANSWER IS 69! WOOOO!!!!

Grade: 0/1 Grow up.

18. Paper sells for 21 cents per pad. What will four pads cost?

Chad's Response: This is bullshit. My hot wife does all the pad buying around these parts. I swear to the Trickster God Loki that pads cost more than 21 cents, too. They're like $2.50 for a box, which is bullshit anyway, because who wants to pay that much for a vaginal necessity? THIS PRICE GOUGING ENRAGES CHAD'S FEMINIST SIDE! Does the question mean four boxes of pads? AMBIGUOUS! I shall say $10, but I shall not be happy about it.

Grade: 0.5/1 I guess that was a bit misleading.

Thursday Week 5 -- Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week!!!

SNIKT!



What was that sound you ask? Oh no, Chad Henne's retractable adamantium boner is here, and it's ready for love! Run for your life as Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week!!!

This Week:
Eva Mendes

Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
Training Day, The Spirit, Bad Lieutenant

Rating:
4.5/5 Retractable Adamantium Boners
Yo, you can see her butt in that picture. Like basically the whole thing. BUT IT IS NOT THE WHOLE THING AND THIS ENRAGES CHAD! For this she will be docked 0.5 Retractable Adamantium Boners. Other than that, though, hot as hell, talented, dare I even say it, Chad-worthy. He'll cook Chad Henne's Steak and Potatoes for you for the rest of your life! It's time for you to ditch that Peruvian director you're banging and come be with a real man, a man who throws 300 yard touchdown passes* like it don't mean shit!

*Chad throws it all the way outside the stadium to Ted Ginn, and then makes Ginn get him a Coke at the concession as he runs back in to the endzone

Wednesday Week 5 -- What's on Chad's iPod?

For those of you who have ever wondered what mystical lands you would see if you gazed into Chad Henne's butthole, we give you the next best thing in "What's on Chad's iPod?"



The Song:
Wait (The Whisper Song) by The Ying Yang Twins

The Lyrics:
Hey how you doin lil mama? lemme whisper in your ear
Tell you sumthing that you might like to hear
You got a sexy ass body and your ass look soft
Mind if I touch it? and see if its soft
Naw I'm jus playin' unless you say I can
And im known to be a real nasty man
And they say a closed mouth dont get fed
So I don't mind asking for head
You heard what I said, we need to make our way to the bed
And you can start usin' yo head
You like to fuck, have yo legs open all in da butt
Do it up slappin ass cuz the sex gets rough
Switch the positions and ready to get down to business
So you can see what you've been missin'
You might had some but you never had none like this
Just wait til you see my dick

Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
Wait til you see my dick
Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
Imma beat dat pussy up
Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
Wait you see my dick
Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
Imma beat dat pussy up

Like B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM

Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy
Up, Beat da pussy up

[verse 2]

You fine, but I aint gone sweat ya
See I wanna fuck, tell me whats up
Walk around the club with yo thumb in ya mouth
Put my dick in, take your thumb out
There might be a lil kosher to deal with
Wet fat hoe's crunk up they dont spill shit
I keep a hoe hot when I'm puttin' in work
Wanna skeet skeet you bout to get your feelin's hurt
Cuz I'll beat dat cat with a dog
And knock da walls of a broad til she scrawl
Like (OOOOOH!)
Yea something like that, but it depends on the swing of the baseball bat
Fuck a bitch on da counter make the
Plates fall Back
On the floor she aint screamin she a nut so they crack
Crack...crack
Fuck that bend over imma give you the dick

Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
Wait til you see my dick
Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
Imma beat dat pussy up
Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
Wait you see my dick
Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
Imma beat dat pussy up

Like B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM

Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy
Up, Beat da pussy up

(OOOOOOOH!)

What it Means to Chad:
For me, this song carries a deep metaphorical weight. The wordplay is phenomenal, such as the double meaning of the word "nut", as well as the incremental repetition of the word "head" to mean something different each time, from fellatio to, indeed, a woman's head. I especially enjoy the repeated phrase "Beat da pussy up", as it implies an incredible anger on the behalf of Messrs. Ying and Yang, perhaps relating to the Shakespearean imperative from Romeo and Juliet, "If love be rough with thee, be rough with love". And the fact that the entire song is delivered in whisper? A very intimate contribution to the entire tone. Intriguing indeed. I could definitely nut on some fat titties while listening to something so literary.

Tuesday Week 5 -- Things I Make While Thinking About Chad

This one speaks for itself. The truth will set you free.

Monday Week 5 -- All About Chad

Wow. I read your message, Chad and... frankly I'm speechless. I had no idea you had such conflicted feelings about my blog. We can make this work, man.



I'm going to carry on Chad. For you. It's Monday, and we're back, so you know what that means.

Let me tell you some things you don't know about Chad.

1) Chad Henne once peed blood. Somebody else's.

2) At a celebrity Hold 'Em tournament, Chad Henne laid down 5 aces on the final hand of the game. When he was accused of cheating, he beat the shit out of everyone there for bearing false witness and took their money anyway. He did not donate it to charity.

3) Chad Henne's penis has abs.

4) Sometimes Chad Henne cries late at night. This is because God told Chad personally how the world will end, and Chad feels guilty that it's due to him kicking its ass.

5) IN HONOR OF THE COMBINE! Chad Henne runs a 4.26 40 mile dash, but only because he stopped at Nathan's for some fucking corn dog nuggets on the way.