Good morning, assholes:
Something troubling has occurred. I have a boner to pick with all of you bastards.
WHY HAVE THERE BEEN NO ENTRIES ON MY BLOG FOR THE LAST WEEK AND A HALF?
Phew. Man, glad I got that off my chest. You keep that shit inside, man, that shit just boils, and there's nothing that smells worse than that. Shit. Stinky boiling shit. Hot shit soup.
Gross.
OK, here's the deal, douchebags. You know that I hate you all. I hope you all get seeping herpes and die the crotch-itching death of a coward. This is just a simple fact. You spread falsehoods about me and the Hanging Chad, which incidentally, I don't know how your reporters or investigators or whatever the hell found out that I call my dick that, and you do it all on a poorly made blog that any football great would be ashamed to have their name attached to.
Except Ochocinco. He's a whore.
BUT YOU CAN'T JUST STOP WRITING ABOUT ME FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME!
So put yourself in my size 26 Chad Henne shoes for a second. And yes, my big shoes do mean I have a huge penis. I read this bullshit blog a couple weeks ago, and see that you've started to get into some stuff that's really close to my heart. I don't know how you found out about it, but it doesn't matter. I mean, my relationship with my stepsister Sara? My controversial State of Florida registration as a penile donor? This is serious shit. How do you think it makes me feel to have all of this unearthed, and then to have it stop like it didn't mean anything?
IF I HAD EMOTIONS, THEY WOULD BE VERY CONFUSED, CONFUSED INTO A POIGNANT MIXTURE OF SORROW, REGRET, AND ANGER!
I hate all of you with the intensity of a battleship full of atom bombs thrown into the sun. But this is also catharsis for The Chad. You must carry on. Or I swear to God, I will slap all of your cocks with my vastly superior cock until they all fall off and run away.
Best wishes,
Just kidding, fuck off,
Chad Henne
PS: Did you see that the Dolphins committed to me as the starter for 2010? QB of the future, boom, bitches!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Wednesday Week 2 - What's on Chad's iPod?
Time for another adventure into Chad Henne's deep dark secrets in a segment we here at Chad-SPEAKS call "What's on Chad's iPod?"
The Song:
Stepkids in Love, by The Switches
The Lyrics:
You think you made it cus you've fucked up my life
I only knew you when your dad got a wife
You lead me down, and now you're leaving town
Ah-ha-ha-ha ah-ha-ha-ha, step kids in love (x2)
You're room faced mine and you would leave on your light
I'd turn it off and we'd go bump in the night
You lead me down, and now you're leaving town
Ah-ha-ha-ha ah-ha-ha-ha, step kids in love
I know the reason doctor treason, left you hollow
You cashed my words and sold illusions that you borrowed
It's a lonely life
It's a lonely life
My mamma told me this would end up a mess
But all I needed was to get you undressed
You lead me down, and now you're leaving town
Ah-ha-ha-ha ah-ha-ha-ha, step kids in love (x2)
I never felt your daddy's fist before (lack of guts, lack of guts)
And now I know, the taste of the floor - no!
So now you're splitting with your circle of lies
I'll mail you the papers and I'll tell you all my spies
To hunt you down, cus now you're leaving town
Ah-ha-ha-ha ah-ha-ha-ha, step kids in love
Self mutilated, you were jaded from the get go
Slippin' and slidin', I was asking for a hiding
It's a lonely life, it's a lonely life
Step kids in love; I've got a date with the step kids in love
Under covers with the step kids in love
Whoa, I'm gonna nail the step kids in love - enough!
What it Means to Chad:
Let me tell you a story, readers. Once upon a time there a was a little boy whose mommy had a very special friend. And that very special friend was a man, and he had a daughter. And that little girl meant more to that boy than he could say, than he could ever understand. When he held her hand, the electricity between them made his fingers dance and hold on even tighter. He never wanted to let her go. But one day, the boy's mommy married her special friend, and they told the little boy he couldn't love the little girl the way he did, because she was his sister now, and he had to treat her like his sister. The boy started to cry, and watched his love fade into memory. That little boy was me. Chad Henne. And sometimes still to this day, when I look into the moon, I try to see her face, smiling at me like the first time we met. I can almost make out something real before the tears blur the visage into obscurity.
And that's what love is like when you're Chad Henne.
The Song:
Stepkids in Love, by The Switches
The Lyrics:
You think you made it cus you've fucked up my life
I only knew you when your dad got a wife
You lead me down, and now you're leaving town
Ah-ha-ha-ha ah-ha-ha-ha, step kids in love (x2)
You're room faced mine and you would leave on your light
I'd turn it off and we'd go bump in the night
You lead me down, and now you're leaving town
Ah-ha-ha-ha ah-ha-ha-ha, step kids in love
I know the reason doctor treason, left you hollow
You cashed my words and sold illusions that you borrowed
It's a lonely life
It's a lonely life
My mamma told me this would end up a mess
But all I needed was to get you undressed
You lead me down, and now you're leaving town
Ah-ha-ha-ha ah-ha-ha-ha, step kids in love (x2)
I never felt your daddy's fist before (lack of guts, lack of guts)
And now I know, the taste of the floor - no!
So now you're splitting with your circle of lies
I'll mail you the papers and I'll tell you all my spies
To hunt you down, cus now you're leaving town
Ah-ha-ha-ha ah-ha-ha-ha, step kids in love
Self mutilated, you were jaded from the get go
Slippin' and slidin', I was asking for a hiding
It's a lonely life, it's a lonely life
Step kids in love; I've got a date with the step kids in love
Under covers with the step kids in love
Whoa, I'm gonna nail the step kids in love - enough!
What it Means to Chad:
Let me tell you a story, readers. Once upon a time there a was a little boy whose mommy had a very special friend. And that very special friend was a man, and he had a daughter. And that little girl meant more to that boy than he could say, than he could ever understand. When he held her hand, the electricity between them made his fingers dance and hold on even tighter. He never wanted to let her go. But one day, the boy's mommy married her special friend, and they told the little boy he couldn't love the little girl the way he did, because she was his sister now, and he had to treat her like his sister. The boy started to cry, and watched his love fade into memory. That little boy was me. Chad Henne. And sometimes still to this day, when I look into the moon, I try to see her face, smiling at me like the first time we met. I can almost make out something real before the tears blur the visage into obscurity.
And that's what love is like when you're Chad Henne.
Belated Tuesday Week 2 - Things I Make While Thinking About Chad
Hello again.
Gradient tool? Chad has no idea what you're talking about, for he only enjoys the amenities of Microsoft Paint, and thinks you're stuck up for even suggesting he use some other program with more than 7 commands.
Gradient tool? Chad has no idea what you're talking about, for he only enjoys the amenities of Microsoft Paint, and thinks you're stuck up for even suggesting he use some other program with more than 7 commands.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Monday Week 2 - All About Chad
Yesterday, we learned a bit more about Chad. Specifically, that he is mean to his most diehard fans. A real doodyhead.
Look at that face. What a bastard.
Anyway, it's Monday again, so it's time to go on an educational quest. Maybe if I do him justice this time, Chad will forgive me.
Let me tell you some things you don't know about Chad.
1) Chad Henne once ate a competitive eater eating a 4 pound burrito.
2) Chad Henne once snuck into your room late, late at night, caressed your hair lovingly, and kissed a deadly secret on your lips. You don't remember a thing, but you haven't felt whole since, and you just don't know why.
3) Chad Henne once sucked a man's penis just so that, when he was done, he could slap him in the face and say "Dude, you're gay."
4) Heidi Klum once met Chad Henne. Now, every day in the shower, she whispers softly to herself "Heidi Henne".
5) Chad Henne is a registered organ donor. You know which organ I'm talking about.
Look at that face. What a bastard.
Anyway, it's Monday again, so it's time to go on an educational quest. Maybe if I do him justice this time, Chad will forgive me.
Let me tell you some things you don't know about Chad.
1) Chad Henne once ate a competitive eater eating a 4 pound burrito.
2) Chad Henne once snuck into your room late, late at night, caressed your hair lovingly, and kissed a deadly secret on your lips. You don't remember a thing, but you haven't felt whole since, and you just don't know why.
3) Chad Henne once sucked a man's penis just so that, when he was done, he could slap him in the face and say "Dude, you're gay."
4) Heidi Klum once met Chad Henne. Now, every day in the shower, she whispers softly to herself "Heidi Henne".
5) Chad Henne is a registered organ donor. You know which organ I'm talking about.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Sunday Week 1 -- A Message From Chad
Dear Fuckers:
I hope you bastards are having fun. Two days ago, I was on top of the goddamn world. I have a hot wife, I just won Rachael Ray's Third Annual Superbowl Recipeoff, and I'm the greatest quarterback in the NFL. Prospectively.
Anyways, my agent walks in, and tells me there's a new website about me. Self, I tell myself, that sounds pretty damn sweet. That sounds like the complete shit tits. In a word, great.
I was sorely disappointed. To say the least.
Imagine my anger when instead of a great page of photos and stats, I find a freaking circle jerk. All that's on this stupid blog is a bunch of bullshit "articles" that are utterly fabricated. Some of them even pretend to be me. Which I sort of get, actually.
I digress. Fuck all of you.
What's with all the bizarre homo-erotic shit on this blog? Unbelievable. If you want to see the Hanging Chad, I'll give you a real close look when I slap you in the face with it. I hate all of you.
And another thing: you couldn't fuck afford 5 bucks a year at goddamn GoDaddy? Really? This supposedly "best" Chad Henne blog is on fucking blogspot? If you don't stop this idiocy, I will sue everyone involved with this blog, your entire team of inbred moron writers that like to pretend they're me. And then I'll kick all of your asses.
Fuck you all,
Chad Henne
I hope you bastards are having fun. Two days ago, I was on top of the goddamn world. I have a hot wife, I just won Rachael Ray's Third Annual Superbowl Recipeoff, and I'm the greatest quarterback in the NFL. Prospectively.
Anyways, my agent walks in, and tells me there's a new website about me. Self, I tell myself, that sounds pretty damn sweet. That sounds like the complete shit tits. In a word, great.
I was sorely disappointed. To say the least.
Imagine my anger when instead of a great page of photos and stats, I find a freaking circle jerk. All that's on this stupid blog is a bunch of bullshit "articles" that are utterly fabricated. Some of them even pretend to be me. Which I sort of get, actually.
I digress. Fuck all of you.
What's with all the bizarre homo-erotic shit on this blog? Unbelievable. If you want to see the Hanging Chad, I'll give you a real close look when I slap you in the face with it. I hate all of you.
And another thing: you couldn't fuck afford 5 bucks a year at goddamn GoDaddy? Really? This supposedly "best" Chad Henne blog is on fucking blogspot? If you don't stop this idiocy, I will sue everyone involved with this blog, your entire team of inbred moron writers that like to pretend they're me. And then I'll kick all of your asses.
Fuck you all,
Chad Henne
Friday, February 5, 2010
Friday Week 1 - Wonderlic, Inc, in Association with Chad Henne, Presents Chad Henne's Unreleased Wonderlic Answers!
The Wonderlic test. A standardized test administered to individuals entering into a variety of professions. Not to be confused with the Wonderlick test, which is only administered to prostitutes and anteaters. Anteaters gotta get paid too.
This test is most famous for its wide use in the NFL, mainly because it lets us see which NFL players are fucking morons. It makes us feel better, because they are otherwise better than us in most respects. Sebastian Janikowski got a 9/50. Really? It should be noted that a score of 10 suggests basic literacy. Fuck you, Janikowski. Although really, what do you expect from a kicker? I hope your leg falls off.
Anyway, you may be aware that the mighty Chad Henne scored a 22 on his Wonderlic (and a 50 on his Wonderlick). Not too shabby: better than the average person's score of 21, and let's just say the average football player's score makes you think they score the thing like golf. But despite those 22 gems of Chad Henne reasoning, there were also 28 unfortunate slips.
He was probably just fucking around and not actually incorrect, but I guess there's no way to know since Wonderlic, Inc has a strict confidentiality policy, and won't actually release football players' exams. Not even Chad's...
UNTIL NOW! Every Friday, Wonderlic, Inc, in Association with Chad Henne, Presents Chad Henne's Unreleased Wonderlic Answers!
2. A physical education class has three times as many girls as boys. During a class basketball game, the girls average 18 points each, and the class as a whole averages 17 points per person. How many points does each boy score on average?
Chad's Response: Rather than answering this question, I will explain the ways in which it is fucking absurd. OK, so 3 times as many girls as boys in a gym class. Where the fuck is this taking place, Wonder Woman's Amazon lesbian planet? And unless I've gone crazy, this question is suggesting that the girls outscored the boys. Yeah. OK. Mathematically I get it, but somehow all signs keep pointing to the boys' average score being 30. Like, at least. Though it should be noted that there's this one douchey little kid named Craig, and he scored zero like a complete fag. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the danger of using the statistical mean as your metric for picking on the little homo kids in class.
Grade: 0/1 - You are a terrible person.
11. John is a mechanic. He makes $8.50 an hour, plus $3 extra for every oil change he performs. Last week he worked 36 hours and performed 17 oil changes. How much money did he make?
Chad's Response: Let's see... so that's $306 for the wages, and $51 for the oil changes, so that's what, $357? Oh wait. John the mechanic? I know that bastard. His job sucks, so he gives blowies out by the train tracks for $20 or some shit. So that means... carry the 5... natural log... John made $1450 last week. Trust me. Dude gets around.
Grade: 0.5/1 - You did have the correct answer somewhere in there, but your full response shows some possibly unresolved psychological issues.
This test is most famous for its wide use in the NFL, mainly because it lets us see which NFL players are fucking morons. It makes us feel better, because they are otherwise better than us in most respects. Sebastian Janikowski got a 9/50. Really? It should be noted that a score of 10 suggests basic literacy. Fuck you, Janikowski. Although really, what do you expect from a kicker? I hope your leg falls off.
Anyway, you may be aware that the mighty Chad Henne scored a 22 on his Wonderlic (and a 50 on his Wonderlick). Not too shabby: better than the average person's score of 21, and let's just say the average football player's score makes you think they score the thing like golf. But despite those 22 gems of Chad Henne reasoning, there were also 28 unfortunate slips.
He was probably just fucking around and not actually incorrect, but I guess there's no way to know since Wonderlic, Inc has a strict confidentiality policy, and won't actually release football players' exams. Not even Chad's...
UNTIL NOW! Every Friday, Wonderlic, Inc, in Association with Chad Henne, Presents Chad Henne's Unreleased Wonderlic Answers!
2. A physical education class has three times as many girls as boys. During a class basketball game, the girls average 18 points each, and the class as a whole averages 17 points per person. How many points does each boy score on average?
Chad's Response: Rather than answering this question, I will explain the ways in which it is fucking absurd. OK, so 3 times as many girls as boys in a gym class. Where the fuck is this taking place, Wonder Woman's Amazon lesbian planet? And unless I've gone crazy, this question is suggesting that the girls outscored the boys. Yeah. OK. Mathematically I get it, but somehow all signs keep pointing to the boys' average score being 30. Like, at least. Though it should be noted that there's this one douchey little kid named Craig, and he scored zero like a complete fag. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the danger of using the statistical mean as your metric for picking on the little homo kids in class.
Grade: 0/1 - You are a terrible person.
11. John is a mechanic. He makes $8.50 an hour, plus $3 extra for every oil change he performs. Last week he worked 36 hours and performed 17 oil changes. How much money did he make?
Chad's Response: Let's see... so that's $306 for the wages, and $51 for the oil changes, so that's what, $357? Oh wait. John the mechanic? I know that bastard. His job sucks, so he gives blowies out by the train tracks for $20 or some shit. So that means... carry the 5... natural log... John made $1450 last week. Trust me. Dude gets around.
Grade: 0.5/1 - You did have the correct answer somewhere in there, but your full response shows some possibly unresolved psychological issues.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
NEWSBREAK:
YES!!!!!
HE WON! Chad Henne has defeated the bastards opposing him on Rachael Ray's Third Annual Superbowl Recipeoff!
He's a steak and potatoes man. I'll probably liveblog my attempt to recreate the majesty of Chad Henne's Steak and Veggies. OH YES.
OH YES.
EDIT: Chad claims that his wife knows that he's in charge of the meat. I have no idea what that means. Except that their relationship is one for the ages.
HE WON! Chad Henne has defeated the bastards opposing him on Rachael Ray's Third Annual Superbowl Recipeoff!
He's a steak and potatoes man. I'll probably liveblog my attempt to recreate the majesty of Chad Henne's Steak and Veggies. OH YES.
OH YES.
EDIT: Chad claims that his wife knows that he's in charge of the meat. I have no idea what that means. Except that their relationship is one for the ages.
Thursday Week 1 - Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week!!!
BOOM!
What was that sound you ask? That's right, it was the sound of Chad Henne's boner (he calls it "The Hanging Chad"). Thursday sucks. Everybody knows it. It's just as sucky as Wednesday, or, as working class and collegiate America knows it, hump day, but without the added benefit of being able to say something as completely giggletits (adj. synonym for hilarious, invented by Chad) as hump day. HUMP day. Like humping something!
Sometimes Chad feels down on Thursdays too. That's right, it even affects him. But when the dog bites/bee stings/he's feeling bad, he simply remembers his favorite things. And Chad's favorite things are composed of 99% hot chicks, and 1% Hennessy cognac, because it has his name in it, and that shit is class. We try to return optimism to your Thursday existence at Chad-SPEAKS with the Thursday feature: Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week!!!
This Week:
Olivia Wilde
Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
The O.C., House MD
Rating:
4.5/5 Hanging Chads
Gorgeous, intense green eyes. Sexy voice. Great body, especially for you Keira Knightley skinny chick enthusiasts, unlike Chad. Also: HER BIRTH NAME IS COCKBURN. Seriously. That sounds like a dangerous chick, and danger is hot. She only loses 1/2 a Chad for being married, and for her character on House kind of sucking right now. But Chad blames that on the writers, and not Ms. Wilde. SHE'S A BABE! SCHWING!
What was that sound you ask? That's right, it was the sound of Chad Henne's boner (he calls it "The Hanging Chad"). Thursday sucks. Everybody knows it. It's just as sucky as Wednesday, or, as working class and collegiate America knows it, hump day, but without the added benefit of being able to say something as completely giggletits (adj. synonym for hilarious, invented by Chad) as hump day. HUMP day. Like humping something!
Sometimes Chad feels down on Thursdays too. That's right, it even affects him. But when the dog bites/bee stings/he's feeling bad, he simply remembers his favorite things. And Chad's favorite things are composed of 99% hot chicks, and 1% Hennessy cognac, because it has his name in it, and that shit is class. We try to return optimism to your Thursday existence at Chad-SPEAKS with the Thursday feature: Chad Henne Presents Chad Henne's Luscious Lady of the Week!!!
This Week:
Olivia Wilde
Where You've Seen Her, Besides Wet Dreams:
The O.C., House MD
Rating:
4.5/5 Hanging Chads
Gorgeous, intense green eyes. Sexy voice. Great body, especially for you Keira Knightley skinny chick enthusiasts, unlike Chad. Also: HER BIRTH NAME IS COCKBURN. Seriously. That sounds like a dangerous chick, and danger is hot. She only loses 1/2 a Chad for being married, and for her character on House kind of sucking right now. But Chad blames that on the writers, and not Ms. Wilde. SHE'S A BABE! SCHWING!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Wednesday Week 1 - What's on Chad's iPod?
Chad Henne is known as many things. A young quarterback. A lover. A cyborg. But one thing you may not have known about Chad is that he has music tastes as eclectic as his audible tastes (100 yard QB sneak). We attempt to explore Chad's inner metaphorical space (a.k.a.: his butt) in this feature: WHAT'S ON CHAD'S iPOD???
The song:
Ain't Got No/I Got Life, by Nina Simone
Lyrics:
Ain't got no home, ain't got no shoes
Ain't got no money, ain't got no class
Ain't got no skirts, ain't got no sweater
Ain't got no perfume, ain't got no beer
Ain't got no man
Ain't got no mother, ain't got no culture
Ain't got no friends, ain't got no schooling
Ain't got no love, ain't got no name
Ain't got no ticket, ain't got no token
Ain't got no God
What about God?
Why am I alive anyway?
Yeah, what about God?
Nobody can take away
I got my hair, I got my head
I got my brains, I got my ears
I got my eyes, I got my nose
I got my mouth, I got my smile
I got my tongue, I got my chin
I got my neck, I got my boobs
I got my heart, I got my soul
I got my back, I got my sex
I got my arms, I got my hands
I got my fingers, Got my legs
I got my feet, I got my toes
I got my liver, Got my blood
I've got life , I've got my freedom
I've got the life
And I'm gonna keep it
I've got the life
And nobody's gonna take it away
I've got the life
What it means:
Sometimes, when you're feeling downtrodden and beaten, like there's no reason for you to be in the world, you have to just celebrate all of the little things you've got.
What it means to Chad:
It's funny, because she says boobs! And sex! I love those two things!
The song:
Ain't Got No/I Got Life, by Nina Simone
Lyrics:
Ain't got no home, ain't got no shoes
Ain't got no money, ain't got no class
Ain't got no skirts, ain't got no sweater
Ain't got no perfume, ain't got no beer
Ain't got no man
Ain't got no mother, ain't got no culture
Ain't got no friends, ain't got no schooling
Ain't got no love, ain't got no name
Ain't got no ticket, ain't got no token
Ain't got no God
What about God?
Why am I alive anyway?
Yeah, what about God?
Nobody can take away
I got my hair, I got my head
I got my brains, I got my ears
I got my eyes, I got my nose
I got my mouth, I got my smile
I got my tongue, I got my chin
I got my neck, I got my boobs
I got my heart, I got my soul
I got my back, I got my sex
I got my arms, I got my hands
I got my fingers, Got my legs
I got my feet, I got my toes
I got my liver, Got my blood
I've got life , I've got my freedom
I've got the life
And I'm gonna keep it
I've got the life
And nobody's gonna take it away
I've got the life
What it means:
Sometimes, when you're feeling downtrodden and beaten, like there's no reason for you to be in the world, you have to just celebrate all of the little things you've got.
What it means to Chad:
It's funny, because she says boobs! And sex! I love those two things!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Tuesday Week 1 - Things I Make While Thinking About Chad
This is a blog about glorifying Chad. This is also a blog about glorifying me. The Tuesday feature will combine both of these into something even greater, in a feature I shall call "Things I Make While Thinking About Chad".
Behold.
Photoshop is great and all, but I don't think it conveys raw human emotion the way that MS Paint does. It's OK to cry Chad. Even a great man like yourself must cry sometimes.
Behold.
Photoshop is great and all, but I don't think it conveys raw human emotion the way that MS Paint does. It's OK to cry Chad. Even a great man like yourself must cry sometimes.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Monday Week 1 - All About Chad
Meet Chad
Chad is a quarterback in the National Football League. Isn't that great?
Chad plays for the Miami Dolphins. Two years ago to this day, there was no reason to be excited about the Dolphins. They had just finished a 1-15 season, which, while not historical, was, as my one year old brother used his first words to say, "fucking terrible".
NOT ANYMORE.
It's time to get excited for the 2010 Miami Dolphins. They have a young team, an exciting team, a team that once traveled back in time and banged the 1980s Cowboys while they were banging 1980s Cowboy cheerleaders.
And they have Chad Henne. "Chad who?" you ask. "Isn't he just some kid from Michigan?" Well no, asshole. He's from Pennsylvania. And he has a 26.5 inch penis.
Let me tell you some things you don't know about Chad.
1) Chad Henne is 6 feet 32 inches tall.
2) Sometimes Chad Henne walks around doing a handstand in public places so that when somebody asks him what he's doing, he can say "Nothing much, just holding up THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD!"
3) Chad Henne was once sacked by LaMarr Woodley. When Woodley got up, he was pregnant.
4) Rex Ryan was photographed flipping off a Dolphins fan last night. He was found dead in an alley with the letters "C.H." carved into his forehead. Authorities have not released an official statement.
5) If Chad Henne's penis is severed, be it in an unfortunate accident or by one of his many jealous foes, two more grow in its place.
I'll post more great facts about the greatest QB in the NFL every week! Get pumped! GO TEAL, GO ORANGE! GO JIMMY BUFFET!
Chad is a quarterback in the National Football League. Isn't that great?
Chad plays for the Miami Dolphins. Two years ago to this day, there was no reason to be excited about the Dolphins. They had just finished a 1-15 season, which, while not historical, was, as my one year old brother used his first words to say, "fucking terrible".
NOT ANYMORE.
It's time to get excited for the 2010 Miami Dolphins. They have a young team, an exciting team, a team that once traveled back in time and banged the 1980s Cowboys while they were banging 1980s Cowboy cheerleaders.
And they have Chad Henne. "Chad who?" you ask. "Isn't he just some kid from Michigan?" Well no, asshole. He's from Pennsylvania. And he has a 26.5 inch penis.
Let me tell you some things you don't know about Chad.
1) Chad Henne is 6 feet 32 inches tall.
2) Sometimes Chad Henne walks around doing a handstand in public places so that when somebody asks him what he's doing, he can say "Nothing much, just holding up THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD!"
3) Chad Henne was once sacked by LaMarr Woodley. When Woodley got up, he was pregnant.
4) Rex Ryan was photographed flipping off a Dolphins fan last night. He was found dead in an alley with the letters "C.H." carved into his forehead. Authorities have not released an official statement.
5) If Chad Henne's penis is severed, be it in an unfortunate accident or by one of his many jealous foes, two more grow in its place.
I'll post more great facts about the greatest QB in the NFL every week! Get pumped! GO TEAL, GO ORANGE! GO JIMMY BUFFET!
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